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“She should have told you. I shouldn’t be—” He sighed again, scrubbing his face. “Stacey gets panic attacks since the bushfire. But she hasn’t had one in two years, until tonight.”
Her eyes had been full of disappointment and despair when she’d shown me the photos. She’d literally panicked after that and went into flight or fight mode, her breathing erratic.
“What exactly happened with this bushfire?” I asked, trying to keep my voice even. My hands were clenched so tight I was wringing water from the bar towel. “I know her father died in the fire. She said something about an accident. Was she on duty or something that day?”
Ryan just blinked. “You don’t know?” His tone was incredulous. I held his gaze, waiting him out.
“Holy shit, you don’t.” He sighed again, hanging his head. “I’m so used to everyone knowing everything about us, and since you were covering for Doc Larcombe, I just assumed you knew.”
“All I know is I’ve seen a couple of photos with her burns. I’m not her doctor so let’s assume I don’t know anything. Please.”
Ryan looked worn out but I didn’t let him off the hook. I had to know. I waited for him to finally explain what had happened.
“Ten years ago my father died in a bushfire on our property,” he murmured, a haunted look in his eyes. “We lost a house, our temporary house, not the homestead obviously. It was a huge bushfire and the brigade managed to contain the fire before it reached the house, but embers got into the roof and it went up. Dad didn’t get outside in time. He didn’t make it.”
My gut churned as Ryan rallied to continue.
“Stacey and I were in the house. Dad was on duty. He tried to save us,” he whispered. “He raced in, shouting our names. Stacey had been grounded in her room and was listening to music with headphones on. I’d been on my phone or something. We’d thought we were safe. Had no idea there’d been a wind change. Embers had been raining down on the house and we had no clue. The house was on fire. Smoke and the heat had made us sloppy, slow. The roof collapsed in the lounge and then Dad was there, trying to get us out but we couldn’t get to a door in time.
“We had to jump from Stacey’s bedroom window. I made the jump. Stacey was next. He helped her to the window and she paused, screaming for him but he kinda pushed her out to me and she made it. We ran as fast as we could, thinking Dad was right behind us. The fire trucks had arrived. We thought we’d made it. But the house had two gas cylinders and they exploded. The house blew out, and we were thrown to the ground. That was the accident.”
My stomach roiled.
“I was clipped by flying debris.” Ryan stood, pulling back his shirt sleeve to show the tattoos covering his right arm. Up close, I could see the scar tissue under the ink.
“This was nothing compared to Stace.” Ryan sat again; his face desolate. “When the gas cylinders exploded, a piece of roofing iron hit her. She was covered with the hot iron for so long and … it was so bad. She almost died. The paramedics managed to stabilise her but she was choppered out at the hospital and sent to specialists in Brisbane. She’s had so many operations. So many.”
I pushed off the table and paced, fighting the rising bile at the back of my throat.
I tried to take off her dress without having any idea.
I’d been completely consumed with fantasies of getting her naked.
All of her scars would have been on display.
You won’t like me naked,she’d said.
And then she’d panicked, and fled.
I closed my eyes, disgusted with myself. Each time we’d had sex, it had been fleeting and fast, and I’d never noticed how she always wore clothes when we’d been together.
“Stace is different with you,” Ryan grunted, this admission annoying him.
“What do you mean?” I hedged, not sure if this was a good or bad thing.
“Since she came back from her Brisbane trip for medical appointments, she’s been the happiest I’ve seen. I mean, she’s been really good the last two years. No doubt doing the design course in secret was a part of that.” He sighed again. “Ever since she came back from Brisbane, she’s been different. Genuinely happy, interested in things, getting involved, on my case to be included more with running the farm. Three years ago, it was like she was marking time.
“We were all really worried she would slide back into depressive episodes if they told her there’d be no more procedures to repair her skin. But she’d come home happy. Elated, even. Got a feeling though it wasn’t all due to her design course.”
He looked older than me in this moment and yet I had years on him. Something shifted. I could see him now; Ryan had carried the burdens of his family for so many years. Especially Stacey’s pain and recovery, wondering if she’d ever come back to his family whole.
“You stepped up to be the dad in your family, after your dad died,” I murmured.
“Course I did.” Ryan shrugged. “Had to. They needed me.”
“You were shit-scared that night of the grassfire when she didn’t come home.”
“That wasn’t exactly my finest moment in your hotel room. It’s just some guys have been arseholes to her in the past. Dunno if Stacey even knows about this. I once heard a guy say he wanted …” He cleared his throat. “Wanted to shag the burns chick.”
