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I couldn’t stop my brain from spiralling into the worst possible outcome.
Her fingers combed through my hair. “Talk to me.”
“I have a really big ask. And it's okay if you say no. In fact, I totally get why you might, but I’ve been quietly freaking out about it for a little while.”
“I can’t answer if you don’t ask me.” She kissed my throat and nuzzled her nose against my scent gland.
“My heat is coming up really soon. I want you to be there, but I don’t want you to feel pressured or that you have to.”
She froze in my arms, and my heart dropped down to my toes.
Nicky pushed away to look at me, and I could see the anxiety in her gaze, feel the tension radiating through her body.
“Jasper… I want to be there for you, but…” Nicky swallowed hard. “I don’t think I’m ready for that. A heat is so important, and it sounds really intense. I know it’s an all-or-nothing, that it wouldn’t be fair to you if I had to leave during it, and I don’t want to risk it. I just…”
I nodded since I couldn’t bring myself to form actual words. Every instinct screamed inside of me, beggingmeto begher. She was supposed to be there.
Nicky stroked my hair, and I barely felt the touch.
“Are you mad at me?”
My tongue weighed a thousand pounds. I shook my head. I wasn’t mad. Devastated, yes, but not mad. My eyes burned, and my chest constricted, like steel bands had locked my ribs in place.
“I’m so sorry, Jasper. I talked with my sister-in-law about heats, and I’ve been doing research, and it all sounds like it would be too much for me right now. I don’t want to fuck things up for you. I really want you to have a good heat experience, and right now I don’t think that I would add to that.”
I still couldn’t bring myself to speak.
“Should I get one of the others?”
I tightened my grip on her. I didn’t want her to goanywhere. Holding her now wouldn’t stop her from leaving me, and it wouldn’t undo the fact that she didn’t want to be part of my heat, but I couldn’t let go.
Bone-deep sorrow crept to the surface.
It was probably more than a little bit stupid to be seeking comfort in the source of my pain, but here I was.
At the very least, she made no move to extract herself and stayed there with me without a word until the sun had dipped below the horizon.
Hana found us out there. One look at us, at the stricken expression I’m sure I must’ve had on my face, and her hackles were up.
“What happened?” she asked.
Nicky finally pushed away from me, and I was able to see the red rims around her own eyes.
“Nicky's not staying for the heat,” I said.
My voice sounded foreign to my ears. The words cracked, and I snapped my mouth shut to swallow down the distress whine that tried to sneak free.
“Should I go?” Nicky asked. “I feel like I should go. I read that being close too near to the heat can set expectations for the instincts. I don’t want to make things harder.”
It was definitely too late for that, but I didn’t want to force her to stay. I sat on my hands so that I didn’t reach for her.
“Go back inside,” said Hana. “I’ll sit with him.”
Everything in me protested as Nicky retreated into the house. Hana was with me the second Nicky passed her, and she pulled me straight into her arms, unleashing the torrent I had held at bay. I ugly cried. Sobbed on her until I couldn’t breathe, and then I kept sobbing until my head throbbed and my throat burned.
“It's okay, baby. We’re all still here.”
That only made me feel worse. I had so much love and support, and I felt like an asshole that I wasn’t satisfied with that.
