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When Faith arrived home she let herself into her well-lit house, thankful she’d decided to leave a few lights on. For some reason she always felt strange about a darkened house. Growing up her parents had always left lights on when they went out. There was something heartwarming and cozy about returning to a well-lit home.
You don’t have to feel badly about your scars, Faith.
Those words spoken this evening by Micah played around and around in her head as she took a quick shower before bedtime and performed her nightly ritual of toner, moisturizer, tooth brushing and putting her hair into two ponytails. She gazed at herself in the mirror once she’d put her sleeveless nightgown on. Faith hated being hot at night so she tended to wear night clothes that allowed her skin to breathe. The twisted brown scars on her arms had become something she’d gotten used to over the years. She’d always thought of them as hideous. Something to be ashamed of.
Battle scars. Never in her life had she thought of her ugly burn scars as having been forged through a battle for her life. And she had fought like a warrior to make it out of her family’s home in the midst of a raging fire. She had tried valiantly to save her parents, but there had been no possible way to walk through fire to get to their bedroom. She remember her father attempting to get to her to try and help, but being overcome by the smoke and fire.
Do not fear for I am with you. That verse had sustained her during the worst moments of her life. God had been with her in the absence of the two people she’d loved most in the world. Her parents. And He had seen her through the darkest of days. There had to be a reason for it, she imagined. Her life had been spared from a fiery inferno while her parents had perished. Although she always tried to tell herself she should live her best life since her parents couldn’t live theirs, she knew she’d always fallen short. She was living, but she wasn’t pushing herself out of her comfort zone. She wasn’t stretching.
Being around Micah made her want to stretch and grow and soar. It was such a strange feeling since they really hadn’t known each other all that long. It made her think of what her father had once told her about meeting her mother. “Baby girl, she made me want to become a different sort of man, one who thought of someone else before I thought of myself. It didn’t happen overnight. The changes were little by little until all of a sudden I was a changed person. I could feel something shifting inside me from the very start.”
The feelings were confusing. It wasn’t as if she and Micah were in any type of romantic relationship. They barely knew each other. What was happening to her? What was Micah Donahue doing to her? Faith wrapped her arms around her middle and stared at herself in the mirror. A shift was happening inside her, and it was both exhilarating and frightening. For so long now she’d known her limits. She’d walked in the safe places, never pushing herself past the line. To do so would be inviting scrutiny or judgement about her scars. But not doing so was holding her back. She wasn’t living her best life possible.
And she and she alone knew the reason why.
Faith still harbored guilt for the blaze that had killed her parents and destroyed her family home. And with each passing year Faith’s guilt seemed to magnify. No one but God knew about Faith’s guilt or the reasons she felt responsible for the fire. She hadn’t dared to tell a soul, especially not Uncle Ed and Aunt Millie. If she had, they might not have wanted to take her in to live with their family. She would have been completely alone in the world.
Leaving her mother’s curling iron on in their bedroom had been the reason for the devastating fire. She was sure of it. Nothing else made sense to Faith. Her poor parents had been victims of her carelessness. It had cost them their lives. Forgiving herself was impossible.
And even though Micah’s mere presence in her world inspired her to live out loud, she knew she couldn’t until she forgave herself. It had always felt far more reasonable to punish herself for her foolish and deadly mistake. Teaching and becoming a choir leader were both ways in which she had been allowed to give back to the community. Service. It was fitting to dedicate her life to serving others. Perhaps it would serve as a penance for what she’d done. She loved being a teacher and leading the choir, but more than her own satisfaction she wanted to make amends.
As she tucked herself under the covers and turned out the Tiffany-style light on her side table, Faith found herself yet again praying for closure.
Dear Lord. Please let me find a way to forgive myself. It’s the path toward healing myself so I can move forward in my life. I’ve been so stuck all of these years. It’s like I’ve been walking in cement, never truly moving forward. Please grant me the courage to take the necessary steps toward mending the broken parts of me.
“Love is important. I’m not sure I’ll ever find it, but just watching my parents my whole life has shown me the importance of walking through life with another person who is your other half.” Daniel Donahue
Chapter Five
The May sun shone down so brightly Micah had beads of sweat gathering on his forehead. He loved the heat. It was one of the best parts of being a Floridian. For him there was nothing better than being in the great outdoors and letting the sun kiss his skin. It was the weekly family gathering of the Donahue brood. Normally they met up on Sundays after church service, but this week was different since there was a birthday party being held at the Silver Spoon on Sunday. So here it was, a Saturday afternoon at the family home and everyone had gathered for food, family and fellowship.
Life in the Donahue clan was different these days. Even when they were all gathered together it wasn’t something they could ignore. The separation of his parents had been a tough pill to swallow. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. At what point had they started drifting apart? He couldn’t help but wonder if there was some issue they hadn’t told their children about. Some of his siblings thought their parents would find their way back to one another, and although Micah wished it would happen with all of his heart, he didn’t want to believe in something that might never happen. The disappointment would be acute.
Ever since he was a kid Micah had resisted believing in things that could disappoint him. His parents had instilled in him a belief in happily ever after. And although he hadn’t come close to establishing a serious relationship with a woman, Micah knew it was possible to meet your other half. Love was a tangible goal.
Matter of fact, three of his siblings had found the love of their lives in the last year. Parker and Cadence had been separated by lies and deception, but had found their way back to each other. Their adorable son Logan made their circle complete. Caleb had found happiness and everlasting love with his wife, Addie. And his brother Heath had battled post-traumatic stress disorder after serving in the military, only to end up marrying his high school sweetheart, Bella, and welcoming a baby girl, Chelsea, a few months ago. His niece was all kinds of adorable. The little crumb snatcher made him wonder about his own future kids. Would they look like him? Or their mother? It felt strange to have these thoughts running through his head. He had never thought of himself as the fatherly type or as someone who would settle down.
But after watching his three brothers fall so gloriously in love, Micah’s feelings had changed. Their lives had been enhanced by love. And Parker and Heath were both wonderful fathers to their kids. Just watching them caused an ache in his chest. At the moment they were all gathered in the back yard playing croquet. Micah had never been terribly good at the game, so he was sitting and watching as hilarity ensued. Nash was winning, but his siblings were trying to do everything possible to knock him out of the game. Daniel, who was always stoic, was going after Nash with calculated precision. It seemed to be driving Nash a little bit crazy since he was muttering in frustration.
“This is supposed to be fun,” Penelope called out, right before she hit
Nash’s ball and knocked him several feet from where he’d been.
“Seriously?” Nash asked, a look of astonishment etched on his face. With his boy next door features, it was doubly funny to see him so outraged. “Is this gang up on Nash day?”
Micah chuckled as his mother hid her smile behind her hand. “I promise it wasn’t intentional darling,” she said, blowing Nash a kiss. Nash rolled his eyes.
Rafferty swung his mallet and barely avoided clocking Jason in the face.
“Whoa. Watch it, Fitz!” Jason shouted, using the childhood nickname for Rafferty. He ran a hand over his face. “This face is way too pretty to get banged up.”
Everyone laughed at Jason’s comment. Although Jason was handsome, they all knew he was joking. He wasn’t the conceited type. His recovery from drug addiction had left him humble and grateful to be alive. Micah admired him more than he could ever express in words. His brother had been through many hellish years before being adopted as a Donahue.
“That’s right,” Jude said, clapping his son on the shoulder. “We pretty boys need to watch out for facial injuries.” He ran his arm across his forehead. “Who knew croquet was such a killer game.”
“Why don’t we take a lemonade break and get some food going on the grill?” Addie suggested.
