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“Have you told him that?”
“My son made it clear a long time ago that he couldn’t care less about my opinion.”
“I think he cares a lot more about it than he lets on.”
I stab a piece of chicken with my fork. “You think I focus too hard on the shit I disapprove of, and not enough on the things I’m proud of him for?”
“Kind of.” Noelle stares at me, like she’s waiting for me to continue.
I guess, after this morning, I do have a few things I’d like to clear up.
“I thought about leaving Maple Ridge after Sawyer moved out. I could’ve gotten a job at a contracting firm or started my own business. But I stayed ‘cause my parents were getting older and they needed me to keep this place going. And I guess I have a lot of sentimental ties to the lodge. I pictured Sawyer and I working there together, watching his kids run around... But he doesn't want any of it."
"I don’t think Sawyer knows what he wants,” she says.
"He only knows he doesn't want to end up like me."
"He didn't mean that."
"Sounded like he meant it."
"Well, then he didn't know what he was talking about. You’re the best man I’ve ever met, Colton. You’re the gold standard. Men don’t get better than you. But it’s like you said, Sawyer only knows how to do what he’s been doing for years. I don’t think he knows how towantanything else."
“I tried to show him how to be a good man,” I say. “Tried to give him enough stability to make up for his mom not being around much.”
“You did your best, and to be honest, there’s probably nothing you could’ve done to make up for Miranda’s shortcomings. That’s something Sawyer and his mom have to work out.” She smiles sadly. “I would’ve loved to have grown up at Maple Ridge with a dad like you.”
I eat a few spoonfuls of rice, giving her a chance to change the subject before I say, “Sawyer told me a little bit about your family. But I’d rather hear about it from you.”
“Let’s see.” She leans back against the booth. “My mom’s an ex-Catholic who moved to a hippie commune six years ago. I haven’t seen her in almost a year now. My dad’s a lawyer and a womanizing hypocrite who thinks any woman who has sex outside of a committed relationship is a whore.”
“That’s a bullshit double standard,” I tell her.
“It’s more than that. My dad hates women because my mom cheated on him and then left him for an intentional community. Now he holds them to an impossibly high standard and blames them when they slip up.”
“Jesus.” I shake my head. “What about you?”
“Are you asking if I hold people to ridiculously high standards?”
“No. I’m asking if you resent your mom. She did leave you, too.”
Noelle shrugs. “I get sad sometimes. I miss hearing her laugh. We were always more like friends than parent and child. She never really fit into the regular roles of wife and mother. I know she loves me, in her own way. If I showed up at the commune tomorrow, she’d welcome me with open arms and a freshly rolled joint.”
I chuckle. She nudges me with her elbow, then turns her head to face me. There’s a glint of admiration in her eye, and a raw honesty that makes my chest ache.
“Would it be too much if I said that being here with you and Sawyer has made me feel like I’m not alone?” she asks.
“Not at all.” I pull her tight against my side and kiss her. “I feel the same way.”
Noelle sighs, her body easing in places she’d been tense only moments before.
“I used to think I didn’t know what I wanted,” she says. “Now I realize I just didn’t knowhowto want it, because I’d never seen it before. Maybe Sawyer just hasn’t seen the thing he wants more than anything else.”
“He’s already seen it,” I say. “He sees it in you, and it scares the living shit out of him.”
"How do you know?"
"Because I know my son. He wouldn't be willing to share you with me if he didn't care about you."
