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My balls tighten as I stroke myself faster, grip myself harder. It’s been over a week since we kissed, and I can still taste her lips and hear her gasps and whimpers. Recollection and fantasy collide as I visualize how that night would’ve played out if I hadn’t left. If I’d decided to stay and touch her myself instead of placing her own fingers on her clit.
I’d have had her moaning my name within minutes.
This afternoon, I confessed how much I miss her. I said a lot of things I should never say to a student. But it’s dangerously easy to get carried away when I’m talking to Alexis; everything about her face and body implores.
The hesitation in her gaze when she intimated that I wasn’t over my ex nearly broke my fucking heart. I had to shut that line of thinking down immediately. I don’t miss Bonnie, and I don’t mourn the loss of my marriage; I only grieve for the naïve parts of myself that died with it.
At the moment, my foremost lament is the assumption that I was doing the right thing by walking away from Alexis that first night. I slap the tile as I thrust into my fist, milking every last drop of desire from my dick—a desire that could have and should have been hers, if I hadn’t left her apartment.
The only thing worse than standing close to Alexis and not being able to touch her, is not knowing where she is or who she’s with or what she’s thinking. The not knowing is a special kind of suffering that numbs me to everything else. Days blur together. Before I know it, a week has passed, and I’m back to bracing myself for the impact of seeing her again.
After my second morning class, I grab a pre-made wrap in the dining hall. I have exactly twenty-eight minutes to inhale lunch, grade some essays, and pick up the keys to the van before I meet my students in the parking lot.
I’m halfway through marking up an essay on Lincoln when my boss saunters up to my table with a tray of food, shadowed by a sour-faced Erica Kelley.
“Afternoon, Gavin,” Carl says. “Mind if we join you?”
Erica glares at the back of Carl’s head.
I force a polite smile. “Not at all.”
Carl plops down across from me. Erica reluctantly follows suit, setting her things on the table before maneuvering her very pregnant self into the chair.
“I was just telling Erica that you graciously agreed to take on an extra course at the last minute. How’s that going by the way?”
“It’s going good,” I tell him. Erica snorts as she removes the lid from her salad; I can only assume she’s familiar with the course in question. “We’re heading out to Dutch Island today.”
“Ah, yes, I recall you asking about chartering a boat.” Carl surveys his tray. “Goodness, I forgot to grab a mustard packet. Excuse me.”
Carl rises from the table, leaving Erica and me to stew in the resulting silence. She looks even less comfortable than I do.
“So,” I say. “You must be busy getting your TAs and grad students up to speed before you head out on maternity leave.”
“I must be.” She impales a chunk of cucumber with her fork.
“Alexis tells me the whole family’s excited about the pregnancy.”
“Did she tell you that at Carl’s party?” Her gaze narrows. “You two looked pretty cozy that night.”
I keep my gaze and my tone even. “I enjoyed catching up with her.”
“Is that right?”
This is going nowhere. If I recall anything about Erica from the time I spent with her family, it’s that she doesn’t beat around the bush. I crumple the paper my sandwich wrap came in and squeeze it like a stress ball.
“Look, Erica, I know you think I stole from your father. But I honestly—”
“I’m not interested in your explanations or apologies. My sister is fond of you, but my father doesn’t share her feelings, and neither do I.”
“I don’t need you to be fond of me.”
“Then what do you need?” She cocks her head. “What will it take for you to give up this desperate quest to get back into my father’s good graces?”
“I just want to clear the air.”
“Fine,” she says stiffly. “You canclear the airby keeping your distance. From me, from my father, and especially from my sister.”
“That’s going to be difficult, considering the size of the boat we’re about to hop into.”
