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“Gonna make me fall ‘sleep,” the boy mumbles, his eyelids heavy as he looks at Nathan over his shoulder.
I love you, too.
“Just let me put some of the salve on. Then you can fall asleep if you’d like.”
“Mmm’kay.”
I love you, too.
Nathan smoothes the cool gel over the boy’s wounds. Then he covers his hands with some lotion and begins to massage all of his uninjured areas, starting with his neck and working all the way down to the boy’s feet.
Carter is practically purring.
I love you, too.
Nathan cleans up and climbs into bed beside Carter, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. Carter wiggles and releases a happy little sigh.
How the fuck is Nathan lucky enough for this boy to love him?
“Are you sure you’re okay? After everything?” Nathan gently pushes Carter’s messy hair off his forehead. “You can be honest with me. It won’t do any good for us to just pretend nothing happened.”
Carter frowns, his eyes blinking a little harder than they should. Nathan isn’t sure if it’s from exhaustion or a fight against tears. Both send waves of guilt through him.
“You put me in the dark again," Carter finally says, his voice thin and reedy.
“What? When did I do that?”
“The blindfold.” Carter’s eyes slide shut, his chin dipping. “I tried to tell you. I don’t know if you heard me. Or - or if you even cared…”
Words, faded and buried beneath Nathan’s panic and grief from the time, flit through Nathan’s mind.No, not the dark, not the dark, sir, please, not the dark.Nathan’s heart wrenches in his chest, the realization of what he's done a fucking sucker punch.
“Oh, Carter...” Nathan nudges a loose fist beneath the boy’s chin, needing to look at him. Carter doesn’t fight it, showing Nathan his big blue eyes. He blinks. Fat tears fall down his cheeks. “It hadn’t registered. I remember you saying that, I do, but at the time - fuck, sweetheart… it hadn’t registered. I didn’t mean to.”
“Oh…”
“You just kept looking at Casey, and I - I needed you to stop that. I couldn’t let you do that to yourself.”
Carter nods, looking away from him again. Nathan allows it. He even moves away from the boy to give him space. “I’m sorry, Carter.”
“Yeah.” Carter forces a smile, but it’s weak. Thin. He lets it fall right after. “I get it. It’s fine…”
With a sigh, Nathan lays back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling. He hates himself. Fuckingdespiseshimself. “It’s not.”
“No. It’s not.”
An awful silence stretches out between them then. That’s why Nathan startles when a body suddenly presses up against him. Nathan holds his breath, the air expelling from his lungs with a single shudder when he feels Carter’s lips drag across the bare skin of his chest. The boy’s breath is warm as he whispers against him, “Your heart is pounding.”
“I know.” Nathan swallows hard, tentatively wrapping his arm around Carter. The boy melts against him. It does something dangerous to Nathan.
“Are you upset?”
“No. God no.” Nathan releases a shaky little laugh. “I’m perfect. I’m right where I want to be.”
Carter sighs softly at that, his body slumping a bit. "Sometimes it hurts to hear you say things like that…"
"What? Why?"
"I don't know. I feel like…" Carter presses harder against him. “I feel like I’m always a breath away from losing you, and you’re not even mine to lose.”
