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“I am, Carter. I’m 100 percent yours to lose.”
Carter is quiet for a long time. Long enough for Nathan to think he's fallen asleep. Then, quietly, he asks, "Did you tell me you love me? Just now, when we finished?"
Nathan sighs. "Yes."
"This wasn't the first time, was it?"
It's phrased less like a question and more like a statement, but Nathan answers anyway. "No. I've said it before."
"Oh." Carter releases a shaky breath. "I thought I had imagined it."
"No. I've loved you for quite some time now."
"Yeah…" Carter turns then, resting his chin on Nathan's chest. His eyes are glassy. "Me too."
Something catches inside Nathan. It's akin to the sensation of falling during a training course, plunging to your death for a second before your harness' fail-safe kicks in and jerks you to a halt.
"Really?"
"Yes." Carter runs a fingertip along Nathan's lips, tracing them. "I hate myself for it, but yes."
"I'm sorry."
Carter gives Nathan a smile that is far too easy and happy for a boy that's been through as much as Nathan has put him through. "There's no point in talking about it or even apologizing. It is what it is."
"How do you do that?" Nathan asks in awe.
"Do what?"
"Be so positive. Happy.”
The look Carter gives him makes him regret the question. “You don’t want me to break. And - and I don’t think I want to break either. So, I have to be like this. It’s the only way I’ll survive.”
That’s the difference between them, Nathan realizes. Nathan shut himself down to survive. He put Travis in a box and replaced him with a monster. Carter is hanging onto himself to survive. He’s clinging to his humanity and refusing to let it be taken from him.What does that say about Nathan?
What does it say about Carter?
Not for the first time, Carter’s strength leaves Nathan breathless. He doesn’t know how he got this lucky. Meeting Carter has been like a fucking religious experience. Carter makes him question everything he’s ever thought. Carter makes him want to be Travis again for the first time in years. Carter gives him fucking hope.
"This was your first time saying it," Nathan says carefully. "That you love me, I mean."
"Is it? I wasn't sure. I've… thought it before."
"Yeah?"
"Mhm." Carter nibbles on his bottom lip, not exactly meeting Nathan's eye. "Did you tell me you loved me at the party? After my punishment?"
"Yes."
"Wasn't Benny there?"
"Not close enough to hear." Nathan laughs, short and dry. "Though I'm quite certain he's figured it out."
Carter frowns at that, his gaze finally meeting Nathan's. "Isn't that dangerous?"
"No. I trust Benny with my life. With your life. But if anyone else found out, then yes, it'd be dangerous. Deadly."
The boy shudders before tucking his face against Nathan's side and relaxing again. Nathan wraps his arm around him and pulls him nice and close, being careful not to touch him in any of his majorly injured places as he slowly begins to stroke patterns onto his bare skin. Carter sighs contentedly.
