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But he won't lie.
"I think I've gotten glimpses of what it'd be like, Nathan. I think you've shoved me into that mindset a few times, not enough to stick, but enough where I know what it feels like. It's a fuzzy feeling. It's… safe." Carter forces himself to look at Nathan then, filled with a sudden desperation for him to understand. "Things are so simple in that headspace. I'mnothing. All I have to do is obey. That's it. That's all my brain has to focus on. That's all the energy I have to expend. I don't feel hungry or thirsty. I don't feel scared or hurt. I just… float."
"Carter-"
"Do you want to know what I feel like every single day?" Nathan looks like that's the last thing he wants to know, but he nods anyway. Carter doesn't sugarcoat it. “It feels like I’m constantly walking on a tightrope. Every second, I'm always on the knives edge between the slave you want me to be and the mind you want me to keep. It's this awful, constant balancing act, and I really want to jump, Nathan. I spend every second fighting the urge to just fuckingjump."
“I know. I know, Carter. I see it. But I - I can't let you. You have to stay with me." Nathan looks him in the eyes, his expression anguished and pleading. "Youhaveto stay."
"Yeah." Carter lays back down, grabbing his moose. There's nothing to say to that. Nothing to do. His mind belongs to Nathan, just like everything else. There's no point in arguing. He shouldn't have even brought it up in the first place. It was stupid. "I'm staying, Nathan. Don't worry. I'm aware I have to. Trust me, there’s nothing I’m more aware of.”
“Carter-”
“But you know I’ll break one day, right? Like, medically speaking, there is a point where a person’s brain breaks. My stubbornness will only last so long. I’m not superhuman.”
Nathan looks away from him, jaw working. “That won’t happen. Itwon’t. I won’t let it.”
“Oh, soyou’resuperhuman, then?” Carter asks with a huff.
“I don’t share you anymore. I told you I love you. I don’t have to force you. I give you pleasure as often as I can. I take care of you. You love me back.” Nathan looks at him again, his expression impossibly fierce. “You act like you have to endure what the other slaves do. You’re fucking spoiled compared to all of them. You’re not going to break.”
“Okay, Nathan.” Carter lies down, turning onto his side so his back is to the man that he’s contemplating punching. “Let’s just drop it.”
With a frustrated sigh, Nathan switches off the TV and sets the light near the door to its lowest setting. He waits an awkwardly long time before finally laying down on his side of the bed. Carter holds his breath, waiting for the inevitable. There’s no way Nathan will drop this. Carter knows him too well.
Sure enough - “Tell me how to fix this.”
Carter says nothing. It’s not to be stubborn, he just has no idea how to fix it. He doesn’t know if fixing it is even possible.
Unless…
“Nathan?”
“Yes?”
Carter swallows hard.Is he really going to do this? Is he really going to finally put words to the thoughts bouncing inside his head the past few days? The thoughts he’s been so afraid of, he can’t even look at them straight on?
Yes.
He has to.
“You said once that you might kill me, after you’re done with me.” When Nathan says nothing, just holding perfectly still, Carter pushes forward. “I was wondering if maybe you’d promise me you’ll do that.”
“Promise to do what?”
“Kill me.”
???
There are very few moments in his life that Nathan can point to and say,yes, that there, that was when everything changed.When he was orphaned. When he joined the military. When he became Nathan Roarke. When he first laid a hand on the only boy he’s ever raped. When he realized he had fallen in love with Carter Beckett.
And now.
With two words.
Kill me.
“Carter.” Nathan tries to swallow, but his throat is impossibly tight. He sounds choked as he forces himself to continue. “Whatever you heard, whatever I said – you have to know that’s not the case. I love you. I’d never kill you. Never sell you.Never, Carter.”
