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Carter forces a shrug, his throat feeling tight. “Kind of is my fault.”
“You couldn't control it. You're a fucking human being, Carter. It's not your fault you feel things. You can't just turn it off."
“You can turn it off. I’ve seen it.”
Something flickers in Nathan’s eyes. He licks his lips before sighing. “I don’t turn it off. I turn it inward. I let it eat me up inside so the case stays safe.”
Carter can’t help but worry about that. This is the man he loves, after all. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it.
At the same time…“Can you teach me?”
“Teach you?”
“How to do that. How to turn it inward.”
“Yes,” Nathan says softly, his eyes hooded as he looks at Carter. “But I won’t.”
“Why?” Carter bristles. “You think I can't do it? I'm strong. I've gone through a hell of a lot. I can handle more than you think."
Nathan smiles, but it's very, verysad. "I know. And you've survived it all without losing yourself. I refuse to help you change that."
“But it'll make things easier for you too. If I'm able to do it, able to compartmentalize or whatever, it won't hurt you so badly when you have to do things to me. Won't it be easier for you if you don't have to see my reactions?"
“Don’t worry about me.” Nathan shakes his head. “Never worry about me, Carter. You’re the important one.”
“Nathan-”
“Can you give me any idea as to what you’d be comfortable with me doing?”
The heavy weight from earlier settles back on Carter's chest. He can't make that decision.How will he live with himself? How will he endure it, knowing that he picked it? That he fucking asked for it?
“I – that’s – can’t you?” Carter peers up at him, hating how desperate and afraid he feels. "Please don't make me."
Nathan tenses, and Carter can practically hear Nathan begplease don’t make meeven though he’s silent.
Then, with a single breath, a mask slips over Nathan's expression and he becomes the man who bought Carter. The monster. Cold almost-black eyes. Slightly curled upper lip. An expression torn between amusement and annoyance.
His voice is lower when he speaks again, and rough from lack of affection. "I can bring you out there in front of them and punish you with more humiliation than pain, or I can keep you in here and mark you up."
Carter swallows his fear, proud of himself for not choking on it. “How bad will it hurt? You… marking me up?”
Something in Nathan softens. His hands twitch at his sides, moving towards Carter for just a moment before dropping. He looks away quickly, gaze focusing on the wall to his right as it hardens once more. "If you let me make you feel good while I'm doing it, then it won't be too bad."
“Won’t be too bad," Carter whispers to himself. It's worse now than it was before. Not because it's rape. Not because he's afraid. But because this is Nathan, the man Carter is pretty sure he still loves, the man that broke his heart, and tonight they're going to do something intimate together. Something that used to be precious to him. At least precious when they were alone. It had meant something between them. A connection. A lifeline. And now… well, now, it's just an obligation. A way to take the edge off of inescapable pain for the both of them.
Carter closes his eyes, trying to breathe. He knows what to pick. It's an obvious choice. But… it's going to hurt so bad, in its own way. The public punishment is just his body and mind getting attacked.Letting Nathan give him pleasure? Maybe even letting Nathan fuck him again?That's a fucking blitzkrieg to his heart.
“I didn't realize you hated me that much," Nathan says softly. Carter opens his eyes to find the man looking at him like he doesn't recognize him. "You'd really rather me hurt you in front of them than be intimate within the safety of this room?"
“I didn’t say that,” Carter half-heartedly argues.
“But… didn’t you?”
Carter blinks. A tear falls. He wipes at it with a trembling hand, knowing it’s the first of many more to come tonight.
“Nathan.”
Nathan tilts his chin, keeping his face pressed into his palm but now meeting Carter’s eyes. “Yeah?”
