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The fingers in his hair pause for a beat before continuing. “You’d like to go somewhere with daffodils?”
“Whole field of ‘em.” Carter closes his eyes, picturing it.
“I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen them, to be honest. What do they look like, Carter?”
“They can vary, but always some combination of yellow and white and orange.”
“Sounds beautiful." Carter just nods weakly, his cheeks burning. He hadn't meant to share this with Nathan. The daffodils were supposed to behis.
What if Nathan finds a way to ruin them too?
“Hey, shhh.” The hand returns to his hair, stroking gently. “Breathe for me, Carter. Just breathe.”
Carter hadn't noticed he was panicking again. He forces himself to obey, not for Nathan's sake, but for his own. He can't pass out. He's not safe. His body is, he knows that now, but his heart is wide open and taking on heavy fire. He can't let his guard down. Not again. This, what happened between them, whatever the fuck isstillhappening between them, can't continue.
“The water is getting cold. Let’s get you out before you catch a chill, alright?”
Carter has lost his voice again, so he nods. He lets Nathan help him stand before swaying away from him. His body protests his independence, but he forces the pain into the back of his mind and moves towards the door on his own, even managing to wrap a towel around himself on the way.
He stops at the foot of the bed, suddenly remembering that he doesn't want to be in it.But, god… it looks so comfortable.
“You need something for the pain. At least Tylenol,” Nathan says from behind him. “Salve would be a good idea, too. Up to you, though. Whatever you want.”
What does Carter want?
What does this man want? This monster?
“Carter?”
“Salve and Tylenol,” Carter says quietly. “Okay.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back, then.”
Carter almost says he’ll be there waiting, but he figures that’s a given. Plus, he doesn’t really feel like talking right now. Or maybe ever again.
Unfortunately, Nathan isn’t gone for long, and when he returns, he points out a major flaw in their plan. “You’ll need to lay down, if you want me to apply the salve.”
Carter eyes the bed, his knees wobbling. It’s just a bed,he tells himself.And just for a few minutes.
Still, his stomach quakes as he forces himself onto the mattress, and his eyes sting with the threat of tears. Carter flinches when he hears the sound of the salve opening, knowing it’s going to hurt. Part of him is excited for the pain, though. Excited to have something to cling to in place of all the emotions currently flooding his system.
“This might be a little cool,” Nathan warns.
Carter doesn’t give a shit about the temperature. He cares about the burn. The pain is intense, causing him to jerk forward. Nathan hushes him as he pulls him back into position and continues. His touch is unfairly gentle, his voice a grieving whisper as he apologizes over and over again, reminding Carter that he was the one who caused the pain, even as he takes it away. It does awful things to Carter’s heart.
God, how is it possible that Carter is even more confused about who this man is now that he knows his true identity?
“I’m going to put some on your hole. It's a little too red for my liking." He pauses, probably waiting to see if Carter will argue. Then he spreads Carter's cheeks and swipes a finger across his hole. The feel of him gently rubbing gel against Carter's opening is even more torturous to Carter’s heart.
Carter’s face burns. He hides it against the bed, a question lingering in his mind. One he can’t let himself ask.
Did I say I love you? Because I do.
Oh god, Nathan, Travis, sir, whoever you are, I do…
When he's finished, Nathan tells him to lie still while the salve dries and excuses himself to the bathroom. The sound of the shower comes from the other side of the door shortly after. Carter has to fight to stay awake, not wanting to sleep here. Or maybe wanting to sleep here, but notwantingto want to sleep here.
This entire situation is more exhausting mentally than anything else.Where’s the salve for his mind?
