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He knows one thing though. “Well, you’re notmydom.”
He hates how much the words hurt him. They were meant to hurt the man across from him instead.
“I know.” Nathan squeezes his eyes shut, tension rippling through him.Does Nathan feel guilty too? Or is this Travis? What's the difference? Is there one?He said Travis fell first, and Nathan wasn't far behind.What does that mean?
And what does that say about sir?
Is sir the only monster?
If so, how much of sir is this man made of? If they figured out a way to cut that out of him, how much would be left?
Would Carter even… want sir to be cut out?
“Carter?”
Carter blinks, startled that he zoned out. That he let his guard down. He has to stop feeling safe around this man. It doesn't matter if he knows he can't be truly harmed by him physically. The man still holds the power to shatter his heart - hell, he's already come damn close to doing that already. Carter has to be more careful.
“Carter,” he says again.
Carter snaps. “What?”
“I might not be your dom, but youarestill my responsibility. What do you want from me right now? What do you need?”
The two questions are so loaded and confusing that Carter laughs. It's just a puff of air at first. A huff, really. It grows from there, though, bubbling into something that shakes his entire body, sounding manic and unhinged as the laughter veers into sobs.
Carter curls up on the bench of the tub, forcing his body into the fetal position. It's not as good as being held by the man he loves, but considering the man he loves may not even exist - or at least doesn't exist all the time - he'll take what he can get.
Small waves in the water let him know that Nathan is slowly moving towards him. Carter flinches away, but it doesn't stop the hand that comes to rest on the crown of his head. He freezes, not even breathing. The sobs still trapped inside him vibrate in his chest, begging for release.
“I’d give anything to take you away from all this.”
Carter closes his eyes, burying his face in his knees even though it makes water lap at his cheeks. His lungs burn with the need for air.
“Where would we go, Carter?" Nathan's fingers drift through his hair, which Carter is just now realizing is wet. He must have washed the locks while Carter was out of it. "Tell me, Carter. Tell me where you'd want to go."
Carter wants to tell him he can go to hell, but he’s barely holding it together, and he’s pretty sure if he talks, he’ll fucking lose it again.
Those fingers keep passing through his hair. He hates how good they feel.
“I think you'd like somewhere warm. You're such a blanket hog. I haven't seen you in winter yet, but I have a feeling you don't enjoy being cold." There's so much fondness in the man's voice.Who is talking to Carter right now? Which part of this man? Travis? Nathan? Sir? How much control does he have over which one is in charge at any given moment?"We could go to a beach. Would you like that, Carter?"
Carter. He keeps using his name. Like he's reminding Carter that he exists. That he's a person. That he's more than nothing. That he's not just a hole. This isn't sir, then. It must be Nathan or Travis.
“I could see you on the beach. Warm sand. Wind in this messy hair of yours. You’d smell like sweat and salt and sun lotion. Like summer and happiness. Would you like that, Carter?”
Carter’s body shudders, forcing him to breathe. The sob that escapes isn’t as bad as he anticipated. The following one is even better.
“Maybe not the beach. Maybe you'd want somewhere quieter. How about a forest? We could get lost among the trees, no one around to bother us. We could get one of those fancy tents with the see-through material so we can watch the stars at night."
Nathan continues petting his hair as the sobs dissipate into quiet tears and uneven breaths. He keeps speaking, even though Carter hasn’t said a word.
“We could go to the mountains. It'd be colder, of course, but we could get a log cabin and cozy up inside by a wood burning fire. Read books. Watch movies. Lay together as we watch the snow fall outside."
Carter breathes deeply, feeling his body sink into a calm.
“We could-”
“Daffodils,” Carter whispers, his throat raw enough to make the word sound broken and wrong.
