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She doesn’t argue but says goodbye, and we hang up.
“Was that Gram?” Rylee comes in and jumps up on the bed, causing the phone to bounce around.
I pick up a pair of socks and place them in a suitcase. “It was. She wanted to come on our holiday with us.”
“Really? That would be fun.”
I stop and glance up at her. She looks like a mini of her mother. Her black hair is tied up in two little pigtails. That’s one hairstyle I’ve mastered. We’re still dealing with her not liking me brushing her hair, so there are plenty of tears by the time those pigtails are tied up. Anna-Beth was so good at it. I never heard Rylee cry when she did it. Perhaps it’s my beefy hands that pull too tight. Whatever it is, she screams as though I’m physically hurting her whenever I take a brush to her hair.
“This is our little vacation. Don’t you want to spend some time with Dad?” I ask, reaching out, tickling her, that familiar high-pitched giggle filling the room.
“I always spend time with you, Daddy. Gram is fun too.” She hands me a shirt that had fallen off the bed.
“She’s lots of fun. How about if we go for a little while on our own, and thenmaybewe can get Gram to come down?”
Her eyes go wide, and her grin turns huge. “Yes, that would be lots of fun.”
She wanders out of my room, but I know she’ll be back. Thankfully, Ruby is taking her nap, so I can get these things done. Teething babies aren’t much fun. Anna-Beth dealt with that kind of stuff with Ry. It’s opened my eyes to many things I missed with Ry—even the crappy times. Anna-Beth would ring Mom if I was away and needed help. Mom really is an amazing person.
Moving on to the last bag to pack—mine—I stride into my walk-in closet and take some shirts from my drawers. I pause and stare at the racks that still have some coats and shirts hanging there that belonged to Anna-Beth. Reaching out, I grip the sleeve of a bright pink coat, it was one of her favorites. She wore it at the track more times than I can count. Perhaps she wore it so I would always see her first at the end of a race. Guilt washes over me like ice-cold water, startling me from the memory. A lump forms in my throat, I swallow it down and go back to my duffle bag, shoving my shirts inside.
“Hey, Dad. It’s almost Ruby’s birthday, isn’t it?” Ry comes bouncing back in and climbs back up onto my king-size bed. It’s pretty lonely now and has been for the last almost year, another reminder of not just my loss, butourloss—mine and the girls.
“It is.”
“Does that mean it’s been one year since the accident?”
I pause. I’m not ready for this conversation. Clearing my throat, I say, “Um… yeah, baby. It’s almost one year.” I choke on my words which come out almost like a whisper.
She’s silent for a beat. “Do you think Mommy is watching over me?” Rylee’s head drops as she stares at her fingers in her lap, playing with the bottom of her little pink skirt. I pause and take in her little princess features. Tears fill her eyes as she continues to finger the hem of her clothing. My chest hurts and the ache never really subsides each time Anna-Beth is brought up. What always comes back to me is the memory of our fight I never got to fix.
I come around the other side of the bed and take a seat on the edge. I grab Ry and place her on my lap, wrapping my arms around her and squeezing tightly. “I have no doubt Mommy is watching over you and your sister.”
“What about you?”
I smile, but inside, it’s turmoil. The pain I thought I’d dealt with is working its way right to the surface. I attempt to swallow that all-too-familiar lump of emotions that catches in my throat. “I’m sure she’s looking out for me too. I think she’s been guiding me when it comes to Ruby. I need all the help I can get.” I laugh, giving Rylee another tight hug, mostly for me, though. I wish Anna-Beth was here with us.
“You’re a good dad, Daddy. I love you,” she whispers into my chest.
“I love you too. Is there something special we should do for Ruby’s birthday?” I ask.And Mom’s death.It’s forever going to be a battle of emotions when it comes to Ruby’s birthday. Hopefully, it’ll become a little easier as the years go by. I’d hate for Ruby to grow up and think the worst on her special day. It’s a day for living and one for remembering at the same time.
“Cake?” Ry’s high-pitched voice practically screams. This girl has a cake addiction.
I chuckle. “Yes, we can get a cake. What kind should we get?” Glancing up from the little girl in my lap, I take in my bedroom. It’s almost all still the same. I’ve packed up most of Anna-Beth’s things. Anna-Beth’s bedside table still has one of the necklaces on it I’d given her—it has an R on it for Rylee. Her toiletries sit under the sink in the bathroom in a toiletries bag. I can’t bring myself to throw absolutely everything out. This kind of thing takes time, the therapist had said.
Rylee’s voice pulls me away from those hard memories. “Vanilla, with pink icing and sprinkles.”
“I think we can manage that. She’ll love it.”
“Can we do one for Mommy but with purple icing?”
Tears fill my eyes. “I think she’d really like that.” I bring Rylee up and hug her. As my tears fall, her little arms hold me tightly.
“It’s okay, Daddy,” she whispers in my ear and then pulls back. She reaches up and wipes away my tears. This girl is a replica of her mother, who would do that to me if something was going on and I was having a hard time. Emotions run high when I’m racing.
“It will be okay. Thanks, beautiful. Should we finish packing before Ruby wakes up, and then we can head off?” I ask.
“Yes. I can’t wait. Is there going to be horses?”
