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“Nah. Assuming a man who wanted to be a husband and a dad would be good to you shouldn’t be considered a fault.”
“Thanks.” I wanted to lean into him. A wall of strength and understanding. But I stayed still. My mom had heard all this, but it was good to talk to someone else about it. I didn’t have anyone other than her. I had work friends, but they were in Bismarck. I’d gotten to know some other moms at the kids’ activities, but no one I’d split a bottle of wine and rage about Henry with.
“I have a horse that I think would be good for teaching a kid to ride. Bring Avery by this weekend.”
“No, I can’t…” What if he didn’t follow through? What about the other kids?
“I won’t flake.” He looked over his shoulder toward the door. “I know what it’s like.”
“Your parents are divorced?” As much as I wanted to take him at his word, I barely knew him.
“No. Mom would have to get married to get divorced, and she’s anti-vows. My dad might’ve wanted a family with her, but when she wouldn’t settle, he left us and settled somewhere else. He didn’t want to deal with me or Mom. Nora’s dad was about the same. It’s not like either of us were planned. I’m more like Mom’s business partner than her son.”
The traces of bitterness in his tone were for both of his parents.
“I’m sorry.”
“It is what it is. But whenever Dad bailed on me, I had my cousins to hang out with. I had horses to ride. Chores to do. Friends. I still go for a ride if I’ve had a shitty day. I doubt Avery wants to spread manure, and I get it. It’s not like she can walk out the door and jump on a horse, but when she’s an adult… I dunno. That shit’s easier to learn as a kid.”
“Like skiing?” I asked. “I tried once a few years ago. Wished I’d learned as a kid.”
His eyes twinkled. “Ride in the summer, ski in the winter.”
He wasn’t even trying to turn on the charm, and awareness tingled through my body.
I didn’t think he was using my kids to get to me. That would be a lot of work for a guy who’d already had me. But I wanted to clear up what this arrangement would be. If only for my sanity. “Holden, I’m not looking for—”
“A relationship?” The twinkle vanished. “Yeah, I gathered that.”
“I mean, you aren’t either, right?” I pressed my fingertips against my forehead. I could tell a forty-five-year-old married man that he had gonorrhea and counsel him to notify his wife and the woman he’d had an affair with so they could get tested, but I shouldn’t be spilling gossip I’d heard to the guy at the center of it. “Sorry. I worked with Krystal today.”
His jaw muscles flexed. “I wouldn’t believe everything she has to say.”
“She said you hate kids and you shun relationships.” I winced. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings over what someone I didn’t care for said. “I’m really sorry I brought that up. I don’t know you.”
“I don’t hate kids,” he said quietly.
“I know. You’re really good with them.” He looked at me like I’d said something ridiculous. I shrugged. “Not everyone who’s good with kids dances around and acts like a character onSesame Street. Sometimes, just talking with them like the small people they are is enough. Actually hearing what they have to say is more than they often get.”
“I avoid relationships. That part’s true.” He glanced away. “I don’t want to avoid you, though.”
His confession filled me with equal parts dismay and satisfaction. I bit my lower lip. “What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. But I know it doesn’t mean you have to be afraid to bring Avery over to learn to ride or that we can’t talk or that—” His gaze dropped to my mouth. “Goddammit, I really want to kiss you.”
My lips parted, and the only thing I knew right then was that I wanted the same thing. Desperately. I wanted it even more knowing he did too. It was a surreal dream I thought I’d only get while asleep. But there were more reasons why it was a bad idea. The kids might see. The neighborhood might see. And dating would add too many complications to a life I was trying to simplify. “Holden…”
He tore his gaze away. “I know.”
Did he? Because I didn’t know what I was going to say.
“Just bring her over this weekend. Sunday’s a good time.” The heat from moments ago was gone from his tone. Had I imagined it? No, not after what he’d said. “With football Saturday morning, I have to catch up on work Saturday afternoon.”
I liked everything about that statement. He carved football into his day. Work wasn’t his excuse to get out of life.
My job’s stressful, Emery. You’re not helping with the nagging.
I shook off Henry’s old arguments. Avery would be disappointed if Holden backed out, but I’d also have to deal with her disappointment if I flat out refused. So… Let’s do this, I figured. As long as allowing Avery to have lessons had nothing to do with me wanting to see Holden again. It didn’t. It couldn’t. “Sunday would work. My mom can help watch the other three.”
