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“Jackson! That’s great! Good for you!”
He shrugged. “Yeah, well…I really hate that I’m not further along in my recovery, but…I don’t know. Being in denial isn’t helping me. I want to get back to my pre-injury self and I’m being my own worst enemy by not putting the work in with the exercising.”
“At least you’ve realized it. It may not make things happen any easier than before, but maybe this will change the way you look at the therapy.”
“It does. Plus, I’ve already warned the therapist that I’m going to be the worst patient because I want instant results,” he said with a laugh.
“And I’m sure he’s heard that before and will know exactly how to reel you in.” She picked up a dumpling and took a bite before glancing over at him. “Have you given any thought to what you want to do now that you’re home? You know, work-wise?”
“I always thought I’d come home and go work for Coleman Construction. It’s just something I did throughout high school and I figured that’s where I’d pick up.”
“And now?”
“Now?” He shrugged again. “Until my knee is right, I don’t want to take on anything too physical.”
“That’s smart.”
“But if I don’t get the range and the strength back, I’m not sure what I have to fall back on. I didn’t want to make the military a career, meaning I didn’t want to go on to officer school or having a job that was still part of the service. I always knew I wanted to come back to civilian life. I just never thought it would be with an injury.”
Nodding, she asked, “Okay, so what else are you interested in?”
“I wish I knew. Austin’s a brilliant architect and contractor and Garrett’s a veterinarian. I’m not sure where I fit.”
“It doesn’t matter what your brothers are,” she countered. “That has nothing to do with you. You have a lot of skills that you learned in the military that they don’t. You could do whatever you wanted.”
“I don’t know…” He picked up an egg roll and then put it right back down. “You know what scares me the most?”
She shook her head.
“That I’m like him,” he murmured. “That I won’t be able to figure out what I’m going to do with my life, so I’m going to wander around until I do.” He met her gaze. “But what happens if I never do? What if I’m exactly like Cash and I just freaking roam all over the country and never figure anything out?”
Panic had him by the throat because it was the first time he’d ever admitted that out loud. His reasons for going into the Marines were so he could focus on something and stick with it. He wasn’t lying when he said it was never supposed to be his career, but he always imagined he’d serve until he figured it out.
“Okay, I think you’re spiraling here,” she said softly, taking one of his hands in hers. “You’ve only been home a few weeks and it’s not like you have had nothing else on your plate.”
“Yeah, but…I can’t keep putting it off. Eventually, I’m going to have to move out of Liam’s apartment and get a job!”
“And you will, Jackson,” she said patiently. “One step at a time, okay? I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
Letting out a long breath, he collapsed against the sofa cushions. “You didn’t. Not really. Sometimes it all just feels so overwhelming, and now, the more time I spend with Cash, the more I feel like I might be like him and…it scares me.”
“Have you talked to him about it?”
“No. How crappy would that be? Like…oh, hey, Dad. Your life has been one big train wreck and I feel I'm following in your footsteps. Any advice?”
Savannah laughed before picking up her wine again. “I would hope you wouldn’t word it like that, but it’s still natural to think about this stuff. And really, you should be thankful that you recognize the signs and know exactly where to look. I have no idea what my biological parents were like except they were young and stupid. My mom died of a drug overdose and my dad died in a prison fight! I mean…that’s my gene pool.”
“Savannah…”
“I made a conscious effort to stay away from drugs, but other than that, I know nothing else about them.”
“Did you ever reach out to…you know…any of their friends or families?”
“No. At the time, I wanted my parents. I wanted that connection.” Her expression turned fierce as she stared down into her glass. “It wasn’t until I got sick last year that I realized they did me a favor by putting me up for adoption. But it’s hard not knowing more about where I came from. It feels like I sort of just started life late. I know nothing about myself or even have any pictures before I was adopted.”
Now he felt like shit for complaining about his own petty problems when she’d already dealt with far worse.
As if reading his mind, she looked at him. “I’m not saying this to make it sound like my troubles are worse than yours. Your feelings are legit and your struggles are real. I think you should talk to Cash about this. He might not be the best at helping you figure out your future, but he’s damn good at putting things into perspective.”
