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Unable to help herself, she let out a mirthless laugh because she couldn’t imagine what that scenario would even look like.
“Savannah?” Amy said as she came walking back. “He’s asking for you.”
Helplessly, she looked at Austin and Garrett. “I…it doesn’t feel right for me to go in there.”
“It’s okay. We’re all going to spend time with him. No one’s getting excluded. Go ahead and we’ll just see how it goes from here.” Austin sounded like the stereotypical oldest child. He was being very fair and logical and right now; that must be so hard on him.
Standing, Savannah walked over and hugged him. “Thank you,” she whispered, before quickly walking away and following Amy down the hall.
Slowly, she stepped into the room and had to stop herself from visibly reacting. She had only seen him this morning but the change in his appearance was drastic. He was pale and looked incredibly bloated.
Heart failure.
She knew this and was thankful that she had been paying attention to all the brochures Amy had been leaving for her to read on end-of-life stuff.
“Don’t go quiet on me now, Savi,” Cash said, his voice quiet and raspy. He held out a hand to her and she immediately walked over and held it. For several moments, they stayed like that, neither saying a word. But in typical Cash fashion, he broke the silence in a big way. “This totally fucking sucks.”
And just like that, she was laughing and crying, cradling his hand to her cheek. “Damn you, you old bastard. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this.”
“Unfortunately, yes, it was. It’s what everyone’s been telling me for over a year.”
But she shook her head. “No. You were supposed to go down in a blaze of glory. I always figured you for going out like a rock star—the kind of wild night that people would talk about for years. You’re too larger than life for this, Cash, and I hate it.” And when she met his gaze, she saw tears there.
“Me too, sweet Savannah. Me too. Believe me, I would rather have gone out in the blink of an eye rather than lying here and knowing my kids are all watching. Like I haven’t inflicted enough on them, I had to go and add this to it.” He shook his head. “I can’t seem to do anything right.”
“Cash…”
“Maybe next time, huh? Maybe the next time around, I’ll get it right.”
“You didn’t do so bad this time,” she said, her voice trembling. “It wasn’t all bad. There were plenty of things you did wrong, but there were plenty of things you did right.” Pausing, she kissed his hand. “You saved my life. More than once. And Dad’s. You were the best friend in the world to him. Before he met you, he was barely surviving. He was still reeling over Mom and I think every day was a struggle for him. Then you walked up and introduced yourself and showed him that it was all going to be okay. You gave him hope. You gave us hope. I don’t know what would have happened to us without you.”
“Believe it or not, you both saved me too. I don’t think I ever thanked your father for that. He made me get up off my ass and do something with my life—something selfless.” He squeezed her hand. “I wish he could see you right now. You’re healthy and you’re thriving and you’re everything he hoped you would be.”
Tears streamed down her face. “I feel like he sacrificed everything to get me to this place and I hate that he’s not seeing it too. I never got to thank him for…for…”
“For being a father?” Cash asked. “That’s what a parent is supposed to do. He’s supposed to make sure his kids are safe and healthy and happy. He was the best damn role model anyone could ask for, and I’ve been a poor substitution. I’m sorry you got stuck with me instead of him.”
“No, don’t say that. If I couldn’t have my dad, I’m glad I have you. You’ve helped me to be strong and to go after the things I want.”
“What is it you want, Savi? More than anything, what do you want?”
“More time,” she said solemnly. “I really want more time.”
With a sad smile, he pulled her hand close and kissed it. “I’ll see what I can do.”
* * *
The afternoon wore onand one by one, they all took turns going in and sitting with Cash. Sometimes all three of them would go in together, but most of the time they each went in and had time alone with him.
He’d avoided being by himself like this all day, but apparently his time had run out.
Somberly, Jackson walked into the hospital room and the first thing that struck him was how loud and quiet it was at the same time. The oxygen and the machines were doing their thing, but other than that, it was almost painfully quiet. He sat down in the chair beside the bed and wondered what he was supposed to do or say. Right now, Cash looked like he was sleeping and he wasn’t sure if he should wake him.
“You’re going to have to say something eventually,” Cash murmured as his eyes slowly opened. “Every time you’ve been in here today with your brothers, you’ve hung back and stayed silent.”
Letting out a long breath, he replied honestly. “I’m not sure what to say.”
“Me either. That’s why I keep prompting everyone.” His laugh was low and turned into a cough before he added, “It’s damn exhausting.”
