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This he could deal with. Normal conversation.
Only…there was nothing normal about this.
“So, um…how are you feeling?”
Cash gave him a look that spoke volumes. “Like I’m dying, Jackson. But you know what? I think I’m almost ready.”
“Almost?”
He nodded. “I might hang out for a few more days so I can say goodbye to everyone. Austin and Garrett are making calls. I know the nurses here on the hospice floor tell me we can have as many people as we want to come and visit, but I don’t want them all here at once, so…” He shrugged. “I think Georgia’s making a schedule. You know she enjoys bossing everyone around and telling them what to do. This was right up her alley.”
That made him chuckle. “Did you ever think she’d be the one helping you out at this point in your life?”
“Not at all.” He paused for several long moments. “She’s not a bad person. Annoying, yes, but bad? No. She got a little too big for her britches for a while and I think her kids—and particularly her daughter-in-law—finally brought her back to reality.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I missed out on a lot of that, but I’ve heard the stories.”
“Me too.” His eyes closed and for a minute, Jackson thought he fell asleep, but the next thing he knew, Cash was studying him. “Say what you’re thinking.”
“What? I thought you were asleep.”
“Not that.” Rolling his eyes, he said, “Tell me what you really want to say. This could be your last chance and you don’t want any regrets, right?”
Shit.
Swallowing hard, he mumbled, “I’m mad at you.”
“Hmm? What’s that? I didn’t catch it.”
“I said, I’m mad at you,” he said in more of a hushed tone because…seriously, they were in a hospital and there was no need for everyone to hear this.
Cash put his hand next to his ear. “Maybe my hearing’s going. One more time?”
For the love of it…
“I’m mad at you!” he shouted and instantly cringed.
Meanwhile, Cash was smiling. “There. Didn’t that feel better?”
“No! I don’t want to be the guy yelling in a hospital at a dying man!” He jumped to his feet. “Jeez! Why would you make me do that?”
“Because you need to get it out so you’ll stop moping one minute and snapping at everyone else the next! And for the record, I’m mad at me too!”
“Good! You should be! Do you have any idea how messed up this all is? Most of my life, I swore I wouldn’t care when you died! Now you come back and you’re finally being the father you should have been and you’re leaving again!”
“Not by choice, Jackson. Believe me, not by choice.”
“It’s still leaving, Cash. And just for the record, what exactly are you mad at yourself for?”
“Ah, caught that, did you?”
Jackson held his ground and waited him out.
“I’m mad that I was a shitty father and that I didn’t try harder. I’m mad that I missed out on seeing my sons grow up. I’m mad that I thought I was going to live forever and that there would always be more time! We all know we’re going to die one day, I just kept thinking my day was…you know…further down the road.” He sighed. “Now there’s all kinds of unfinished business that I’m trying to finish, and I fear I won’t.”
“What are you trying to finish?” he asked with a little more calmness.
“I need to know that you’re all going to be okay. That you’re all happy and taken care of.”
