AllFreeNovel
Share Us
But that wasn’t ever going to happen.
“Jay?”
“Yes?”
“Do you want a beer?” she asked.
“Nah, I’m good. This place is nice,” he said stepping onto the patio and going to sit on one of her Adirondack chairs. She took a seat next to him and then stood up and paced around the garden.
“This isn’t really working out, is it?”
“No, it’s not. You were right when you said we were playing house, and the last week has been fun though it’s not any different from our marriage.”
“I know. Do you realize if you spend the night with me tonight it will be the longest we’ve ever been together?” she asked.
He hadn’t realized that. But it explained why he’d been so restless and jittery all day today. “You know you’re the only woman I’ve ever been with for this long.”
“That’s sad, Jay,” she said. “You don’t even want to stay longer than a week with me.”
“I do,” he said. “I’m just not sure how to do this. I want this to be real but for some reason it just isn’t.”
“I think part of the problem is me,” she said. “Earlier when I was talking to Staci I had an epiphany about myself.”
“What was it?” he asked when she was quiet.
“I am trying to make you into someone you aren’t. I don’t think it was a conscious thing, but I was definitely trying to force you to be a part of my group of friends even though I know you prefer being a loner. Even with me you are quiet sometimes and I get that you like that.”
He stretched his legs out in front of him. “Why are you doing that?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s to punish you but I do think it’s some kind of test. Something that I want to prove either to you or me, I’m not sure.”
“I guess you still haven’t forgiven me,” he said.
“I guess not. I thought it would be easy just to ignore the past and somehow use you and get back a little of my own. But that hasn’t happened at all. Instead of feeling whole again I just find myself falling deeper and deeper into something that I don’t think is ever going to work.”
“Me?” he asked.
He knew exactly what she was getting at because he felt the same way. He wanted to be what she needed, but he wasn’t about to actually let down his walls and take a chance on getting hurt. He knew she’d been right when she said that he’d purposely left before her in Vegas. That a part of him was always sure if he wasn’t the first one out the door he’d be left behind.
And never had that seemed so hard to take than it did right now, looking at Alysse and knowing he wanted her with him for the rest of his life.
11
THE JIMMY BUFFETT CD had switched over to the smooth bluesy tracks of Adele singing about loss in a way that Alysse could relate to at the moment.
The closer she got to Jay the more she felt him slipping away from her. And she was definitely not helping things by trying to force an answer out of him on issues that he’d rather not confront.
At the small pond, she glanced down at the several koi swimming in endless circles. She liked her backyard and felt so comfortable here. She wondered if she would after Jay left. She should never have brought him to the sanctuary that was her home, because now she’d have a hard time not picturing him here.
“Where do we go from here?” she asked at last. She wasn’t facing him because she couldn’t bear the brutal honesty she saw in his eyes. It would be so much easier if he’d just lie to her a little bit.
“I don’t know. I think we have to stop pretending...” he said. “I’ve been walking on eggshells around you trying not to do anything that will spook you and apart from that one nightmare I had—I’d say I’ve succeeded.”
She frowned as she remembered that nightmare and how scared she’d been for him.
“You have been good about not scaring me,” she agreed. “I’ve been doing the same thing, sort of, trying to make sure you wouldn’t leave me like you did in Vegas, but to be completely honest, I don’t know what made you leave and hedging my bets isn’t helping either one of us.”
Hiding and hoping, she admitted it freely now, that she could maybe be whatever she hadn’t been before. That was scary because she’d really thought she was over him for good.
