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“I guess we both need to be just who we really are,” he said quietly as he walked up next to her. He smelled of suntan lotion and the sandy beach.
“Yes.” Somehow that seemed so much easier to say than do. She wanted to be free of her fear that he was leaving her as soon as she let her guard down; however, that wasn’t going to happen. “But I don’t know who I am.”
Admitting it out loud seemed like the only thing to do. She pivoted to face him and waited to see his response.
Now she knew why that whirlwind courtship had worked out so well for her. She hadn’t had time to think or worry about the possibilities. But this time that was all she’d done. And all that thinking had led her to a place that made her feel as though she and Jay weren’t going to be able to cobble together the next few days, much less a lifetime.
Yet she knew she’d grown to know him so much better now than she had before. He was complex. A loner who definitely needed her in his life. A man who would protect everyone around him but would accept no protection himself. A lover who was generous with his body but guarded his heart.
“You do know who you are,” he said. “I’m muddling it up by staying here. Let’s have breakfast in the morning, I want to spend the day just the two of us—maybe I’ll take you on the balloon ride Paulo recommended. No thinking about our jobs or your family. What do you say?” he asked.
She didn’t want to. She’d be alone with Jay and that was one thing she still wanted to avoid. “I’m scared.”
“Why?” he asked. He glanced down into the koi pond and then put his hands in his back pockets and looked at her. His guarded dark chocolate gaze made her wary. Why couldn’t he just trust her?
Why couldn’t she just trust him? she asked herself, knowing that if she knew the answers to those questions things would be infinitely better between them.
“It feels as if I’m in one pond and you are in your pond and we just get together for sex. Is that what we’re all about?” he asked.
“It’s safer,” she said. “There is absolutely no danger of me falling for you as long as you stay in your pond and do your own thing.”
“I know,” he said, taking his hand out of his back pocket and lacing their fingers together. “But neither of us wants a repeat of the last time we got together...do we?”
She looked up at him. The moment of truth. Was she going to risk her heart on this man again? She’d already seen the proof of what happened when she did.
But if she didn’t take this second chance with Jay, would she end up regretting it the rest of her life? Could she live with that?
“No, we don’t,” she said at last. “I’m willing to try again. Third time’s a charm, right?”
“So they say,” he said with a wry grin. “I know I wasn’t the best when we met up with your friends so maybe we can do it again?”
“Sure. Why don’t we invite them over next weekend? We can be the hosts so you’ll feel more at ease and we’ll have had another entire week to get to know each other. Oh my goodness, a week is hardly any time,” she said.
“I’m sorry, I can’t offer you more until I know if I’m going to reenlist,” he said.
“It’s fine. We do better on the fast track,” she said. It was as if when she didn’t have time to think, she trusted her instincts. She knew that she had something worth fighting for with Jay, but she was afraid to fight for him. Afraid to let him into her heart lest he hurt her again. And no matter how hard she tried to keep from falling for him, she knew she was.
“I don’t know how we do better, but I do know that without you by my side...I’m missing something. And I’ve never had anyone mean that much to me before. I’m a little unsure of how to proceed. I don’t want to take a chance on screwing this up,” Jay said.
That was probably one of the most honest things he’d ever said to her. She wrapped her broken, fragile heart in those words he’d given her. She was touched by them more than she wanted to be. She understood this man far more now than she had in Vegas. She got that he had demons that she’d never expected and that he needed more from her than she’d been able to offer him.
“Lucien invited me to join him for drinks tomorrow night. Do you want to come along and meet him?” Jay asked.
It was the first time he’d invited her to be a part of his life. He’d gone to her things and talked to her about Sweet Dreams, but he’d never reciprocated much.
