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I looked up, sliding her coffee to her across the kitchen island. She bit her lower lip and sighed. “I suppose it’s up to you if you want to take that risk,” she said seriously. “It’s hard not to be in control of everything.” She reached over and took my hand, her eyes brightening. “Come and watch me do my jump,” she said, an edge of pleading in her voice.
I wanted to give her anything she wanted, trips, cars. Just not that. The thought of it made my stomach turn over. “I can’t watch you do something like that.”
“Then better yet, do it with me. You’ll be concentrating on your own line and have no time to worry about me.”
I barked a laugh at that suggestion. “You want me to do your psychotic combo stunt with you?”
She laughed when I said it that way. “Okay, not that. I’ve been working up to that and it’d be dangerous for you. But, do a climb with me. I’ll pick an easy spot. I promise it’ll be safe and what’s more important, it’ll be good for you.”
I pointed to my work and grumbled out a non-answer. I would have done almost anything to spend more time with her. “If something went wrong and I couldn’t help you…” I started.
She gripped my hand, leaning across the bar. “You can’t ever be in control of what happens to other people, not even the ones you care about. Sometimes especially not them.”
“But I’d never be able to forgive myself…” I stopped when she looked at me triumphantly, a light sheen of tears in her eyes. “Ah, I see what you did.” I squeezed her hand back and rubbed my face. “It’s funny how your heart and your brain are always at war, isn’t it?”
“You feel like you should have been able to stop the crash, but know there was absolutely nothing you could do to stop it,” she guessed.
I nodded slowly, feeling like she took a load off my shoulders. “Yes, something like that. It’s stupid, isn’t it?”
“No,” she assured me firmly. “Ben, I really think you might need some therapy when you get back home, but what you need right now is to soar. Let all that shit go for a few minutes and let the mountain heal you. That’s why you came here in the first place, right?”
“Yes,” I admitted.
“Then let it do its job. Being cooped up here in the cabin is no different than hiding out in your apartment, it just has better views. Please, Ben. It would mean so much to me if we could do a climb together before you go.”
And like that, I agreed. This might end up killing me, but it was the only thing I could give her.
