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I bring my hands together, waiting for the blasting to start.
God, she might actually kick me out and I’ll be free of her in a way I never wanted or thought possible.
I could have ruined her career already and I wouldn’t know.
My eyes glue to her disappointed ones and any hope I might have had that she doesn’t know what happened fades into the ether. She knows. They both do.
Mom looks back at Cal, who nods to her in quiet encouragement.
I expect them both to come in and rip me apart, but she alone walks in and Cal closes the door, leaving us both inside my room, which feels so much more like a prison now.
Silence fills the space between us. Not the type of reverent silence you’d find in a church on a Sunday morning while the parishoners say their private prayers, but more like the silent hush before an execution.
She looks at me. I look at her. And I feel ashamed.
I sold my body to a boy for a hundred grand so I could get away from her.
What do I say?
What can I say?
Should I say anything?
Mom looks as if she’s been crying. I would cry, too, if my daughter did something so low to embarrass me.
I swallow hard and gear up to say something. I want to start with sorry, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
“I heard what happened at school today,” Mom confirms.
Tears tip over my lids at the confirmation and I know to start with that apology.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Mom.”
She stares back at me and dabs the corners of her eyes. She looks more haggard than I’ve ever seen her and I wish I could fix everything.
“I’m assuming the money was for L.A. You were going to leave?”
I nod. This isn’t the time to lie or try to be a smartmouth and defend myself or my independence. I fucked up and I have to accept it.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen and it wasn’t like I was some kind of whore. I promise you it wasn’t. This was a guy I liked.”
Mom bites down hard on her back teeth and blows out a ragged breath. “Were you careful?”
“Mom—”
“Billie,wereyou careful?” She asks with more insistence, keeping her gaze nailed to mine.
“Yes.” It feels like a lie. Although it’s not technically. I took my pills, but Chad never wore a condom. I believed him when he said he was clean and assumed, like the fool I am, that he was sleeping with just me. That’s not being careful.
“I drove you to this,” she mutters, shocking me to my core.
I wasn’t expecting her to say that.
“But this is all me and my own stupid fault.”
“Yes. It is your fault and Billie, I’m furious that you would do this and sell the most precious thing you have. But I can’t be angry when I know it’s my fault, too.” She pauses for a beat. “This is what happens when you try to control someone who’s a grown adult. I don’t know what made me think I could control you when I was already seeing your father when I was eighteen.”
I always forget that. Mom had me when she was nineteen. Maybe that’s why we clash so much, because she’s not even forty yet and I’m a year shy of being half her age.
