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He sure was. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but I still didn’t love being the object of his rage.
Leaving Deacon and his utter cluelessness behind, I walked toward Amir, meeting him in the middle of the path between buildings. My heart thumped hard in my chest. I loved this man. I’dmissedhim like crazy. But as much as I wanted to, I wasn’t walking into his arms. I was preparing to walk away, because he was making me.
He took me by the shoulders without a single word, guiding me to the parking lot. At his SUV, I wrenched away from him.
“I can’t go with you,” I said.
“The hell you can’t. Get in the truck, Zadie.”
“No.”
He raised both hands, shaking as he stopped himself from touching me. “I’m so fucking pissed at you right now. If you don’t get in—”
“What? You’ll what?” It wasn’t a challenge. I said it gently. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him more than I already had.
He groaned with frustration, thrusting his hand through the side of his hair. Eyes flicking to mine, his chest rose and fell, rose and fell, as he struggled to find his control.
“Were you going to tell me you were back?” he finally asked.
“Yes, of course. I just needed to get my head straight.”
His hand fell to his side with a heavy thud. “Wasn’t that why you were in Oregon? Why you snuck out on me, refused my calls, refused to talk about anything real over text? Your head’s looking pretty straight to me, Zadie. It’s time to talk. The conversation is overdue.”
I sucked in a quivering breath. He was absolutely right. I was only stalling by avoiding him. The outcome of our talk was a foregone conclusion. I needed to get it over with so I could start learning to live with the pain I would walk away carrying.
“I love you, Amir.”
He staggered back a step, hitting the door of his SUV. He gave his head a shake, as if he was trying to clear it.
“What?” One word, loaded with so much astonishment, I had to wonder when the last time anyone had told them they loved him. It made me doubt myself for a moment, doubt my convictions, the decisions I’d made.
I nodded. “I do, I love you. But I can’t be with you if you’re working for Reno. The things you do, I just can’t overlook it. I know I told you I could. I really thought I could, but after everything, I know I can’t. It’s not in me.” I touched my chest, which should have been caved in with how battered I felt. But I was whole, and I’d still be whole after this.
His wonder evaporated, leaving a guarded, angry man, holding himself back from exploding. “So, this is an ultimatum.”
“No.” I bit the inside of my cheek to give myself a different kind of pain to concentrate on. “It’s not an ultimatum. You’ve already told me you won’t choose me. I won’t ask you to.”
He threw his arms out. “And that’s it? You expect me to go along with this?”
I wrapped my arms around my middle to stop myself from hugging him. It was unnatural for us not to touch. Even before, when we weren’t together, Amir always found excuses to put his hands on me. From his bunched muscles and tightly clenched fists, he was holding himself back as much as I was.
I hated myself for doing this, and Ireallywanted to hate him for making me do this, but I just couldn’t.
“I don’t want this, but I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sorry I ever came to you.” I bit my cheek again. “I’m sorry I can’t be the girl you need.”
His jaw ticced as he stared me down. “It doesn’t seem you know what I need, Zadie. Not if you’re pushing this bullshit on me.”
My exhale was ragged, like air passing over broken glass.
“Then I guess I should say you’re not the man I need.” Copper flowed on my tongue from the wound I’d bit into the inside of my cheek.
Amir flinched like I’d struck him. “Fuck that. Try again.”
“I love you, Amir.”
He flinched even harder. “Untrue.”
“I do. I love you. This is absolutely destroying me. I’d rather go through a thousand years of Drew than do this.”
