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His nostrils flared as his body listed in my direction. If he touched me, this was over. I would fall into his arms with relief. At the last moment, he pulled himself back, steeling his spine.
“Then don’t do it. My job with Reno doesn’t touch you. It’s separate. It has nothing to do with you and me.”
I shook my head hard. “That isn’t true and you know it.” I pressed my hand to my mouth to steady my quivering chin. “I love you, and I do not want this to be the end. But I can’t be with you while this…violence has a stranglehold on you.”
“Stop fucking saying that.”
“Will you quit? Right now, will you tell your brother you can’t work for him anymore?”
He rubbed the top of his head, looking at me. I looked right back, seeing the defeat in his eyes. He wanted a battle, but he’d already chosen sides, and I’d laid down my weapons. It was over.
“No,” he answered.
I nodded once. It was what I’d already known. “Then that’s it.”
His palm slammed into his door. “I never should have let you go. I knew you’d come back fucked. You didn’t let me make it right.”
“I’d made my decision before I ever left.”
His mouth twitched, like he was holding back from what he wanted to say with all his might.
“I love you, Amir, but I can’t be with you anymore.” Suddenly cold, despite the warm spring sun, I rubbed my palms up and down my arms. “In a year, when you’re finished working with Reno, maybe we can try again.”
Every muscle on his body went rigid as he stared at me. I’d never seen him more furious.
“A year? You want me to wait around for a year to be with you again?”
I shook my head and choked out a response. “No. Of course I don’t want you to wait.” I pressed my hand to my burning cheek. “I know you’re angry with me now, but maybe you won’t be then. And if we’re both single, we could try again. I just—” I sucked in a deep breath. “I very much don’t want to walk away from you forever. Because I love you, and I will miss you.”
Amir stepped forward, bringing his face only inches from mine. His midnight eyes were flat, not the endless night sky I was used to seeing.
“If you walk away now, it’s done. You could be my queen, Zadie. You could be my everything. But if you walk, if you’re so fucking weak and disloyal, you can’t stick with me when shit gets real, you’ll be nothing to me. There’s no going back from that.”
He wassomad. I saw it in every breath, every jerky movement. I didn’t know if he loved me the way I loved him, but I was certain he cared for me very much. I was even more certain I was hurting him. Maybe not as badly as I was hurting myself, but badly for sure.
I drew in every ounce of my courage. Fortified my walls with my convictions. Reminded myself who I was and what I believed in.
Then I let my eyes fall over Amir’s face. I wished my last glimpse of him could be when he was laughing at me or giving me one of his smug grins. The angry man in front of me wasn’tmyAmir.
But I was letting him go so it would be easier to walk away from him when he was like this. Not easy. I couldn’t imagine a scenario where this would be easy.
“I love you, Amir.”
His breathing hitched, and he started to hold his hand out to me.
He’d misunderstood.
“Goodbye.”
I turned and walked away.
“Zadie!” He launched my name at me like a grenade, filled with pain and burning anger.
My steps stumbled, but I righted myself and kept moving. This was right. I couldn’t be true to myself if I stayed, no matter how eviscerated it made me to walk away.
Amir didn’t chase me. I knew he wouldn’t, but I both worried and hoped in equal measures he would.
He didn’t. It was over. It should have been over before it even began.
