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Her words were uncomfortably close to Helen’s, and they dug into my brain. “I think it was you draining me.”
She shifted to her side so we were face to face and trailed her fingers along my hairline.
“We’re good, you know.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“We have time. We don’t have to fit it all in in one day.”
“You think that’s what I’ve been doing today?”
“I don’t know.” She pressed her palm to my chest. “I’m not complaining. I guess I was feeling it too. I mean, I always feel like I want you to fling me into bed.” I grinned wide, and she shoved my mouth gently. “But that was heightened today, right?”
“Right. And for the fucking record, I always want to fling you into bed. Or against the wall. Or over the back of the couch.”
She pushed on my lips again.
“What did Helen say to you?”
“She was being protective. Telling me you’re too good for me. Everything I already know.”
Zadie’s mouth twisted to the side. “Can I tell you a story so you might understand a little about me, then you’ll stop wondering why I hate you saying you’re not good enough or I’m too good?”
“Please tell me a story, little mama. I always want to understand you better.”
With a long exhale, she began. “My mother had an affair with Max for six months before she left my dad.”
My brows shot up. “For real? Felicity?”
She nodded. “My parents were miserable at the end. When everything with Drew happened, instead of turning to each other, they turned away. My dad smoked weed, researched guns, stalker laws, vigilantism…he let the situation consume him. I don’t know if my mom even tried to get to him. She leaned on Max, though. He was her college boyfriend, her first love. I don’t know why they broke up back then, but I don’t think the feelings ever went away. Anyway, they started an affair, he came up to Oregon, she traveled to California, and my dad spiraled. I don’t even know if my mom was hiding where she was going, you know? I guess she got consumed too.”
“Aw, fuck. Were you angry at her?”
She bit her bottom lip, taking her time to answer. “I was at first. Of course I was. Our family was already broken, and she’d shattered us. But my dad, he didn’t fight for her. He accepted she was leaving with barely any reaction. And I…well, I met Max and saw them together.”
“Yeah?”
“It was the first time I really saw my mom as a whole person. Not just my mother or my dad’s wife, you know? I saw she was human, that she’d had a life before me, a life outside of me, and would continue to have a life when I left home. She messed up—god, did she mess up. I don’t like what she did to my dad, but I don’t like what he did to her by pulling away. The thing is, even though I’ll never understand why either of them responded to my crisis the way they did, Ilovethem. They’re human and fallible, but they love and adore me. They’ve always been devoted to me as my parents.”
“They hurt you.”
“Yeah.” She kissed my chin, then my lips. “They hurt me, but that’s human too, isn’t it?”
“Not if I can help it.”
She laughed softly. “Well, you can’t. I’m going to be hurt because it’s part of life. You hurt me, I hurt you, but we’re better for it. When you were my captor, you scared me until you didn’t. Until I saw you as a person and not just the man with the gun. I don’t like what you do, I don’t agree with it, and I think you’re way too smart to lower yourself the way you do, but that doesn’t make me better than you. It also doesn’t make me think less of you. People mess up. They mess up over and over. That doesn’t change who they are. They are not the sum of their mistakes. I still love my mom, I love my dad, and now I’ve grown to love Max and Eli like family. And I—”
She clamped her mouth shut, but her cheeks were glowing red. I wanted to hear what she’d stopped herself from saying, but I let it go for now. She’d already said a lot.
“You’re a good girl, Zadie Night.” I tugged her against my chest, enclosing her in my arms. Like always, I had an urge to keep her trapped with me and never let her go.
“You’re not the villain you think you are, Amir Vasquez.” She patted my chest. “But that’s not the point. I’m telling you I’m just as flawed as you and my parents. My mother betrayed my dad, but I’ve chosen to look past it for selfish reasons. By all rights, I should be angry at her, I shouldn’t accept Max, but I do, and it didn’t take long for it to happen.”
“Zadie…”
This girl really had no idea. She thought she was flawed because she forgave her mother. The mother who adored her. God, Drew had done a mindfuck on her. He’d warped her perspective so much, she didn’t see straight. If I could have taken a table saw to his other hand, I would have. That motherfucker didn’t deserve to have any extremities.
“And you, Amir…I’ve chosen to look past things with you I never could have imagined myself looking past, also for selfish reasons. Because I want you, and I had to give up everything I wanted for too long.”
I took her face in my hands. The prettiest fucking face in the world. “You don’t have to give me up.”
If sheeverthought she had to, I would find a way to rewind the world again and again until she changed her mind. Zadie giving me up wasn’t a possibility. Not now.
She scrunched her nose. “I just told you I’m not going to.”
Zadie might not have thought I was a villain. Perhaps that was debatable, and I sure as hell hoped I was redeemable. But the fact was, I wasn’t a misunderstood bad boy with a heart of gold. It was gray at best, and only beat for a handful of people.
Right now, it was thundering for Zadie.
“Not gonna give you up either, mama.”
