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“I really don’t get why you’d agree to do this for her. Enlighten me.”
I held my hands out. “I’m not going to say our history doesn’t have something to do with it. But I’m being real when I say it sounds like it’ll be entertaining. We’re not really touring right now, haven’t started recording yet, so what else do I have to do?”
“Ah, kid,” he groaned, shaking his head. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Trust that I’ve got this under control for the most part.”
He winced and wagged a finger at me. “See, it’s that ‘for the most part’ that worries me.”
I shrugged again, picking at the frayed hem of my jeans. “It’s Yael.”
“Exactly.”
My hands came down on my legs, effectively ending the conversation. We’d both said our piece, no need to keep going around in circles.
“Are you up for going to our show Friday?” I asked.
He didn’t answer right away, and I focused on the twitch of his pinky, like if I concentrated hard enough, I could find a pattern in the movement.
“Kills me, but I don’t think I’m up for it.”
I nodded, unsurprised. “It’s cool. We’re only playing a couple songs.” We were getting ready to record a new album and wanted to try out one or two new ones to gauge the audience’s reaction. My dad always heard our new songs before we laid tracks down in the studio, and I couldn’t help but feel the well of loss in the pit of my stomach deepen, but I held it in.
“Next time, kid. Even if they have to roll my coffin in, I’ll be there.”
He pressed his thumb into his eye, the lines in his forehead deeply creased.
“Headache?” I asked.
“Yeah. The eye’s been giving me trouble.”
My dad’s MS had come on gradually. He was an athlete, had always been in excellent shape, worked out and skated daily. But he started getting tired, then had random pains in his muscles that became unbearable over time. Since MS was less common in men than women, it had taken a while for him to get diagnosed. Once he was, he’d started treatment right away, which helped immensely. He’d been flaring for over a month now, and though he didn’t admit it, he was in a great deal of pain.
The worst part for him was he couldn’t skateboard anymore. His balance just wasn’t there. It took some time for him to come to terms with that loss. Skating was his entire identity, not just his profession. But he did deal. He changed his life around to fit his new reality, working toward a different kind of happy.
That didn’t mean each time I got on my board I didn’t feel guilty he wasn’t able to. But he’d be pissed if I ever told him that, so I didn’t.
“How’s your vision?”
He dropped his hand. “It’s shit, kid. I’m hoping this is just part of the flare. I’ve been pretty good about accepting my fate, but if I go fucking blind, I’m going to ask to talk to the manager because that’s just unacceptable, man.”
I chuckled despite being scared. The man knew how to present a horrific situation with humor. He’d been doing it since my mom walked out on us when I was ten.
“You’re okay here on your own? Do you want me to move in?”
He grimaced like I’d just offered to skin him alive. “No, not ever happening. You can send me up the river before you take care of me like a baby.”
Uncrossing my leg, I leaned forward and put my hand on the edge of his desk. “I’d take care of you like you’re my damn dad. Don’t give me any guff.”
He threw his head back and laughed. “Guff? For real?”
“I think I’ve been spending too much time with Yael. She peppers her speech with grandpa words.” I hit the desk. “I’m not dropping this topic, though. If you won’t take help from me, how about you hire someone to come take care of stuff around the apartment?”
“Nope.” He crossed his arms over his chest, but it took him a while to get both arms to cooperate. “I’m not being stubborn, I just don’t need a stranger in my house doing what I can do for myself. I’m good, kid. I’ve got a handle on it.”
Inside, I was shoutingyou can’t control this disease! Don’t be stubborn for the sake of being stubborn. Let go of some of that pride and accept the help you need.I’d spent night after sleepless night worried since he took a tumble while I was visiting. He’d refused my offer of help and it had taken him a good ten minutes to right himself.
I’d never let him see how heavy my worry weighed on me, though. My outside was all smiles and jokes, didn’t mean I wasn’t going to keep popping in on him and calling so much, he’d probably try to block my number. He’d do the same if our positions were reversed. He’ddonethe same before.
