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Tali threw together sandwiches for us both, and we ate them at the kitchen island.
“You know, it’s funny. When I used to come to Tino’s parties, I never imagined I’d be sitting in his almost-empty house, eating a sandwich with my girl.” I spread my hand over the island. “People used to get up here and dance. I kinda got the idea Tino hated it.”
“He did. He wanted the noise, though. He didn’t want to be alone.”
I swiveled on my stool to face her. “Do you want to do it?”
Her lips quirked. “You could be talking about sex, but I feel like you’re not.”
Instead of answering, I climbed up on my stool, then onto the island, sliding around in my bare feet. “Come up here and dance with me, Stripes.”
“Can’t.”
“Why not?”
She stood, moving to the radio on the counter. “We need music for dancing.” She flicked it on and a Green Day song playing on the local rock station poured out. Her eyes glittered with mischief when I pulled her on top of the granite. “Tino’s going to kill us.”
I cuffed her chin with my knuckle. “What he doesn’t know won’t kill him.” Hauling her against me, we slow danced to a fast song. This was as happy as I’d been in a long time. That I’d have to leave her again killed me. It really killed me. Neither of us had signed up for this a year and a half ago. Sometimes I wondered if we’d have still chosen to be together if we could have caught a glimpse of our future.
The DJ on the radio started hyping up a new song. I barely listened, but Tali stopped breathing. Her hands on my shoulders bunched.
“Jude,” she whispered. “Your song.”
Like some miracle, or fantastic illusion, Never Again’s first single started playing. Tali’s hands pressed to my cheeks, pulling my eyes to hers. My focus had shrunken down to her wide, shiny eyes, the flush of her face, and the parting of her lips.
She laughed. A full, surprised, happy laugh.
It dawned on me that this was real. My music, my song, was playing on the station I’d listened to growing up. Ben and I used to attach foil to the end of our radio antenna just to pick up the signal.
“Holy shit,” I rasped.
She nodded, laughing again. “We have to dance to the first time your music played on the radio.”
We did. We had to. I picked up her hand and twirled her in a circle, then pulled her into my chest. With my hands on her hips, we rocked to the beat, and I sang along to my own voice. It was surreal, and if Tali hadn’t been there with me, I’d have thought I was tripping.
When the song ended, the DJ came back on, singing part of the chorus. Then he said he’d been a fan for a couple years and we were a band to watch. I nearly swallowed my tongue, but Tali’s mouth covered mine, saving me from myself.
If Tino didn’t like dancing on his island, hereallywouldn’t appreciate what else we did on there, but like I’d said, he didn’t have to know. It couldn’t be helped. I was so fucking high on this woman, high on our love, I had to have her.
I stayed with her for as long as I could. We cooked dinner and watched stupid movies. Tino and Juan eventually showed up and joined us in our stupid movie watching. It was well after two in the morning by the time we went our separate ways to bed, where Tali and I had the slowest, sweetest sex until we fell asleep, still tangled up in each other.
The euphoriafrom being with my girl, hanging out with my friends, and hearing my music on the radio started seeping out of me like a slow leak with each mile I drove north. By the time I got back to New York, to the apartment that wasn’t mine, to friends who were rarely ever sober anymore, it had all disappeared.
When I reached into my bedside table and pulled out my stash, a wave of guilt hit me. Enough for me to pause. Think about what I was doing. Remember my promises.
Euphoria was fleeting. It couldn’t be maintained, neither chemically nor naturally. Lately, I felt like I was always chasing it. I’d get snippets of it from Tali, but it was never enough.
I just needed a little more of it. One more hit to get me through the night.
What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
