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Killed himself in Tino’s house.
He ruined us.
I hated him. I was so fucking angry, I wanted to beat his dead body.
I loved him. I was so fucking distraught, I wanted to curl around him and breathe him back to life.
The ambulance came, followed by the police. Everything blurred after that. I was held, but I couldn’t say whose arms were around me. Maybe Nina, maybe Tino. What I knew was Jude held himself apart. He made the phone calls to Ben’s family. He cleaned up Ben’s room once his body was removed, taking anything out that would break his parents’ hearts. He kept moving, not speaking to any of us.
If Jude slept that night, I didn’t know. When exhaustion overtook me, I climbed into Tino’s bed with Nina and Juan. It was a tight fit, but all of us needed to be touching. We needed the comfort of each other.
Jude was gone in the morning. He’d texted me, saying he’d gone to be with Ben’s family. Later in the day, he texted again with funeral arrangements. Jewish custom was to bury the dead as soon as possible, so Ben’s funeral was the following day.
All I could do was tell him I loved him and I’d be there.
He never replied.
