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Jude
The cruel thingabout life is one person’s heartbreak doesn’t stop the world from turning. Deadlines still loomed. Bills still had to be paid. Responsibilities met.
I was lost in the middle of a waking nightmare that had once upon a time been my dream. In many ways, I’d done this to myself.
I’d definitely pushed my girl away. There was no question that had been all on me.
I’d failed Ben in every way. Not just on his last night, when he’d been so clearly done in with life, even his worst enemy would have seen it and stepped in. I’d failed him by not speaking up all those times I saw him popping a pill or pausing for just a second and askingwhyhe’d stopped doing a lot of the things he’d once loved. Maybe I’d been failing him for even longer. After our friends died in high school, why hadn’t I seen the guilt he wore like an albatross around his neck? He was the one who lived, but why hadn’t I seen he didn’t want that title?
A month had gone by since he died. A month had passed without Tali in my life. It was hard to say at this point which absence made me ache more.
My days were filled with press and scorching heat. We were on the Swerve tour, traveling all over the U.S. on a bus much nicer than the one we’d been crammed into last summer.
Every day, I emailed Tali, telling her about where we were stopped, the shows I’d watched the night before, and just how fucking sorry I was. Sometimes I got a reply, but not always.
It had taken two weeks for her to answer a phone call from me. I called her every day, but mostly, she didn’t answer.
I was bent over my phone, checking my texts, when Seven walked down the bus aisle. He stopped in front of me, scoffing. “You gotta give it up, man. Girl’s done with you.”
My hand balled into a fist. He’d been saying something similar since I got back from Virginia with my heart in shreds. He didn’t understand what forever meant. I wasn’t walking away from her. Not now, not ever.
“Fuck you. I don’t need your opinion.”
“She tears you up. I don’t like seeing it.”
“I tore myself up. Tali’s the only thing that puts me back together.”
He waved me off. “Sounds super healthy.”
When he was off the bus, I dialed her number, not really believing she’d answer, but sure as shit hoping.
“Hey, Jude.” She sounded tired and sad.
“Hey, Stripes. I didn’t think you’d pick up.”
“I guess I wanted to hear your voice today.”
My heart fucking hammered, and my throat grew thick. “Jesus, baby, I always want to hear your voice.”
She was quiet for a beat, then she changed the subject. “Where are you?”
“Ah, pretty sure we’re in Nashville. It kind of all blends.”
“How is it? I mean, performing at Swerve?”
I swiped my hand across my mouth, wanting like hell for this conversation to sound normal instead of stilted. “The fans are great. I mean, god, we have fans, Stripes.”
She let out a breath of a laugh. “I hear your song on the radio all the time. It’s no shock you have fans.”
“Yeah, I guess it just feels surreal. How can this be going so well when the rest of my life has fallen apart?”
She sighed. “My mom told me my moping days are numbered. She says I have to get a job.”
“You think you’re staying in New York for the summer?”
“Jude, I’m not going back to Maryland. I can’t live in that house. Besides, I think Tino’s going to sell it. He’s been staying with Juan this entire time.”
At one time, she would have consulted me before making a huge decision like this. I’d lost that privilege, and it had never been more obvious.
