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My hands shot up, fisting the sides of her hair. “I fucking love you, Tali.”
She laid her hands over mine. “I know you do, Jude. I know.”
Eventually, she found her place on my chest again, both of us staying quiet, because there was nothing left to say. I couldn’t even promise her I wasn’t going to die. That shouldn’t have been too much to ask, but it was when all I could think about were the pills in the bathroom.
I’d contemplated my own mortality a whole hell of a lot over the past couple years. I hadn’t felt invincible since I was a teenager and my friends died in a car wreck, but losing Ben had made me stare down my lifeline like it was a tangible thing. Every time I snorted blow or took a pill, I plucked at that line, testing its fortitude.
Tali fell asleep, and I knew it was the last time this would happen. I held out for as long as I could, stroking her hair, feeling her skin. But the pull of my faithful mistress was too strong. I left her in my bed and went into the bathroom, shaking out two pills and swallowing them dry.
I stood there, arms braced on the counter, letting the dopamine flood my brain and tell me it would all be okay. When I was convinced, I returned to bed with Tali, but she had turned to her side, away from me. I curled my body around hers, holding her tight against my chest, and let myself drift away.
When I wokeup the next morning, or maybe afternoon, Tali was gone. Her pillow was cool, and when I hauled my ass out of bed, her things weren’t in her room.
She’d packed her shit and left without saying goodbye. I dropped my forehead to her doorjamb.
I may have let Tali go a few years ago, but that was the moment I accepted it was truly over. We were never going to have a happy ending.
At least not together.
