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I startled at this new piece of information. “What? You never told me.”
“No, I didn’t. You’d just gotten over seeing him look like Skeletor at that club. I had no interest in dragging you back into that particular abyss. Besides, I always assumed he’d also emailed you, but you never broached the subject with me,” Tino said.
Juan pushed his chic, tortoise-shell glasses up his nose. “Tino really wrestled with that email from Jude. He composed several different replies, some more as a catharsis for himself.” He turned to his husband. “Tell Tali what you wrote.”
“I told him I was relieved he hadn’t managed to kill himself and I forgave him. I also said while I thought about Ben at least once a week, I rarely thought of Jude anymore, but when I did, it was with bitterness.” Tino laid his palms flat on the table, the candle in the center reflecting in his dark eyes. “It was probably not the most appropriate response to a recovering addict, but I needed to say Ben’s name. I cannot unlink Jude’s addiction and Ben’s death. I just can’t.”
I went around the table, and Tino pulled me into his lap so we could hug each other tight. It was true for me too. Ben and Jude were forever linked in my mind. They were the boys in the elevator, Blue Eyes and Hazel Eyes. They were also the boys who broke my heart. I’d loved them both differently, but no less fully.
We walked outside, my hand firmly grasped in Tino’s. Michaela and Juan lingered a few steps away, talking about her Instagram page and giving us a moment alone.
“I don’t know if Jude emailed me,” I said.
“No?”
“I never check that old address. I set it up just for him when he went on his first tour. I liked knowing when I got a notification at that address, it would be from him. But it never occurred to me to check it once we broke up.”
He squeezed my hand. “Listen, I know my reaction to his reappearance in your life was harsh, and I sounded like I don’t trust you to make careful, well thought out decisions, but that’s not the case at all. I’m only worried about you. I know what that man does to you.”
I sighed. “You’re coming from a place of love and concern. I get that, I do. I promise we’re working and not together. We’ve talked some, and it’s been really good. We’re not falling back into a relationship. Once this tour is over, I’m not sure I’ll see him again.”
He smirked. “Except on the next tour.”
And on those visits he mentioned a few days ago.
I swatted his chest. “Enough. I’m fine. You’re fine. Your husband isfoine.”
He snorted. “There’s my New York chica. I missed you, baby mama.”
“Missed you too, Augustino. I’ll be visiting my almost-baby soon,” I said.
We parted after several more rounds of hugs and promises of Facetiming as soon as possible. Michaela seemed a little shell-shocked about the whole thing. I supposed she hadn’t expected shit to get quite as real as it had at the end there.
When I got to my room, I couldn’t settle, so I took my laptop down to the lobby where there were several clusters of cozy chairs and servers taking orders for cocktails. I set myself up in a chair facing the front entrance and ordered a glass of wine. I had my laptop, but the people watching kept me entertained for the time being. Women decked out in furs and sequins on the arms of men in tuxedos flowed by. I imagined they’d been to the opera. An older man with a shock of white hair walked by with a much younger woman who stared up at him like he was god’s gift.
After a while, I powered up my laptop, my fingers hovering over the keys while I tried to decide if I should try that old email address. Was anything Jude had sent me back then even relevant? Even if there was an apology email from him, that didn’t mean it would be the only thing in there. He could have sent me any number of emails over the years. Or he could have sent me nothing.
I wasn’t sure which possibility I dreaded more.
Two people coming through the entrance caught my eye. My chair was in the shadows, where someone would really have to be looking to notice me there, but my view of everyone entering was clear and unobstructed.
I recognized Jude by his height first. He stood out in most crowds, but especially in contrast to the woman next to him.
At first, I didn’t look at her. I focused on his warm smile, on the looseness of his movements, and the way he casually raked his fingers through his hair. Then the two of them stopped, maybe fifteen feet away from me, and he pulled her into his arms, rubbing a hand between her shoulder blades.
Bile rose in my throat. The delicious food I’d eaten tonight threatened to come back up on the Carrara marble floor of the chic Milan hotel lobby.
I didn’t even need to see the woman’s face to know it was Claudia. I recognized the tattoos on her arms, which were wrapped around Jude’s waist.
I clicked my laptop shut, refusing to bear witness to one more second of this. In one swift motion, I was out of my seat, brushing past Jude and Claudia, careening toward the elevators. I heard my name being called, but I kept going.
This was too much.
Whatever progress I thought I’d made in moving on from the past had been undone in one embrace.
A warm hand gripped my elbow, and I whipped around, ending the contact in the process.
“Tali—”
“No.” I held up a finger. “No, you will not say perfect words and make this all better. I was done a long time ago, and that hasn’t changed. Please let me go.” I kept my voice steady, devoid of any emotion. I wouldn’t make a scene; this wasn’t scene-worthy. I only wanted to go to my room so I could cry a little. For what? I wasn’t sure, but I felt like crying, and soon.
I turned away from him, and when the elevator came, he didn’t follow. At the last second, just before the doors closed completely, I met Jude’s eyes and instantly regretted it. The look of absolute defeat on his face nearly brought me to my knees.
A rogue tear slipped down my cheek as the doors closed, and I swiped it away as soon as it appeared. This would not do. I wasn’t the girl who cried over Jude Goldman. That girl had turned into a woman who’d perfected the art of being aloof and disinterested.
Tomorrow, I’d be that woman. Tonight, I’d let the girl make an appearance. Just for tonight.
