AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“You don’t have to say it back. I’m not offended if you’re not there yet or not ready. I know we’re taking it slow, but I felt it, so I said it.”
He ate another bite of eggs, studying me. I ate my eggs too. I was hungry, and I got the picture we weren’t talking about this anymore.
I had been fine with it less than a minute ago, but now I couldn’t help wondering why Jude even brought it up if he was only going to eat his eggs with more intensity than necessary.
He put down his fork and gave me a wide smile. “I love you too. Pretty sure you know that, but if you don’t, there it is. I love you.”
“I didn’t know for sure.”
“I guess I’ve been taking the whole going slow thing more seriously than I thought.” He shook his head. “I’m kinda pissed you got to say it first again.”
“Next time,” I joked.
His smile fell, replaced by a searing look. “There’s not going to be a next time. This is it, Stripes. This is us, getting it right.”
I bit the end of my strawberry, working up the courage and right words to respond. In the end, simple won out.
“I read your emails on the plane. The ones you sent to my only-Jude account.”
He hesitated, eyebrows lifting. “Did you? All of them?”
“No. Only three. The first was when you were at Swerve, right before we broke up. The second was your letter to me post-rehab, and the third was the last email you sent.”
He blew out a gust of breath, scrubbing his hand along his scruffy jaw. “Well, okay. Guess you learned a lot about me in a short time.”
“When I got to the last one, I felt intrusive. I know you never thought I’d see that and—”
He shook his head. “No, I didn’t, but they were always yours to read. I should’ve told you about the accident, but back then, I denied how much it had affected me. And Ben, for that matter. I hated seeing him so lost, so he put on a happy face for me and everyone else, until he couldn’t.”
“And you couldn’t either. You don’t have to explain why you didn’t tell me. You were basically just a kid yourself, who’d gone through a huge trauma without any support to fall back on.”
“What compounded an already fucked up situation was we couldn’t grieve. Or it didn’t feel right to grieve when the choices we made that night resulted in a woman dying. She’d just been driving home from work to her kids. Ben and I hardly talked about it after it happened. It was like we’d gotten away with a crime, and by silent agreement, we buried that shit deep. The guilt—which I didn’t know was guilt at the time—ripped at my seams. It was a constant uneasy feeling. A dull knife twisting in my gut. Except with you. With you, everything was right.”
“Why?”
He lifted a shoulder. “I don’t know why. Just how it’s always been.”
Reaching across the table, I trailed my fingertips down his forearm, then slipped my hand in his. “I understand you better now. And Benny too. If I could have done something for him…”
I sniffed, my throat squeezing too tight to get anymore words out. Missing Ben was part of my daily routine. I often found myself thinking of lives he could have been living now. In one, he’d be a teacher in the city, living in a hipster neighborhood with a tattooed, artist wife and three little kids far cooler than the adults around them. In another, he opened a summer camp in the mountains, married a girl he met while they were counselors, and decided all their campers were their children so they didn’t need any of their own.
Jude’s eyes filled, one fat tear escaping. “I know, Stripes. I try not to live with regret, but I’ll forever regret losing Ben. If I’d been there, if I’d been paying better attention…” He kissed my hand and swiped the tear away. “I’m really fucking glad you knew him too and we can remember him together.”
“One day, I’ll tell you some of the lives Benny’s living in alternate universes. He’s doing so great.”
Jude choked out a sob, which made me lose it too. He was around the table in a heartbeat, on his knees in another, his arms around me on the third.
He buried his face in my neck, and murmured, “I love you so damn much, Tali. I just do.”
I nodded, lips pressed tight to stop the tidal wave of tears on the horizon. Jude’s hands trembled as they moved up and down my back.
It was true that we were tied together by loss and pain. That would never be untrue. And for us, it was important. We understood each other like no one else could. It wasn’t just the sadness we understood, though. It was what came when the sadness was pushed aside and everything else was uncovered. We were also tied together by the happiest moments of our lives. That would always be true.
“Love you too, Jude.”
He moved back, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. “Eggs are getting cold.”
My lips quirked. “Iknow. I was eating them, and this guy made me talk about feelings.”
