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His red, glossy eyes shoot up to mine. “No, no.” He kneels in front of me, holding my hands. “No, baby,I’mso sorry you went through all of this without me. I-I…” His voice catches. “I can’t believe you were pregnant with our baby.”
Here it goes.
I pull back to look at him. “I don’t know how you feel about this, but I was going to keep it.”
“No,” he wipes my cheeks dry and moves to sit next to me, “wewere going to keep it.” My heart swells as I fill him in on all the details, like how Sue and Daniel were the only ones to know, then Keith because I wanted him to keep my secret until he returned safely. I take him through the moments when I miscarried, sobbing quietly as I share the details with him. The whole time, he holds me tightly, giving my head light kisses. Then we sit in silence for a while, grieving together. His sobs are hard to hear, but he needs to let it out. It’s hard seeing someone who is normally so strong crumble in front of you.
Suddenly, he stops moving. “What did you have held to your head?”
I try to move, but his grip won’t let me. “I—I found your gun behind your night table.” His entire body starts to vibrate, and I spit out the words in fear I won’t be able to finish. “I lost you, I lost our baby, and I still don’t know who’s behind my kidnapping. I had no reason to live. I just wanted to be with my family.” The words are falling out of my mouth with no filter. “Then Keith’s cell phone rang, and I hesitated, and he saw me. He…he talked to me, helped me off the ledge.” I just keep talking as Cole’s eyes bore into me. “It was a pretty dark time, Cole, the darkest I’ve ever been.” I shift to look up at him. His eyes are squeezed shut now, and I move to kiss his jaw. “I won’t say I’m sorry about it, Cole, because I didn’t know you were alive, and if I am to be honest with myself, I think I would have tried again. But now you’re here, but the baby isn’t, and I’m trying to tell myself it wasn’t meant to be, but it still hurts.” The painful lump grows larger. “It hurts so damn bad, but having you back makes me see we can get through this if we—”
He suddenly leans forward, capturing my mouth with his. I know the drive behind the kiss is fear, so I follow, letting him take the lead. He needs to feel in control, and I’m willing to hand over the reins. I am too emotionally exhausted to be strong right now.
“Come back to bed,” he murmurs. “I need to hold you.”
He leads us upstairs, and we climb into bed. I shift carefully so as not to hurt his staples, and wrap my arm over his chest and my leg over his waist. I burrow my face in his neck, and it starts to sink in that he is really back. I feel his chest rise and fall, and with a deep sigh, his fingers find mine, entwining them.
“Do you hurt?” he asks in a tight voice.
“Not in the way you’re thinking.”
Just my heart.
I hear him swallow loudly and clear his throat. I know it is all hitting him now. We lie tangled, letting each be strong for the other while we take turns to grieve.
“I love you, Savannah,” he whispers.
“I love you too, Cole.”
