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“And then what? We have no-strings attached sex until, when exactly? One of us gets tired of it? What if that doesn’t happen right away? Eventually someone will notice or catch us, and it will be awkward as hell.” I was grasping at straws. Anything to get him to drop this idea before I broke down and agreed. Anything to keep him from finding out what I was really thinking and feeling when it came to him.
“Is that what you’re really afraid of? Us getting caught? Or is it something else?” he asked, seeing through me with an alarming insight.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I mumbled, finding my t-shirt and putting it on like it was the armor I needed to resist him.
“Yes, you do. You’re afraid that it won’t just be physical,” he said, meeting my gaze with a determined and piercing stare. “You’re afraid that maybe we have real feelings for each other, and that if we keep doing this you won’t be able to hide from them any longer.”
Panic rose inside me. I couldn’t have this conversation with him. Not again.
“Ryan, ten years ago I told you that I was in love with you, and you destroyed me, and we spent all these years hating each other. We were just stupid kids, and I don’t hold it against you anymore. In fact, you were right to do it. You don’t believe in love; you don’t have relationships. I heard you loud and clear, and moved on.” I swallowed hard and forced myself to continue, to try to say something to preserve my heart from being shattered a second time by him. “Yes, we have great chemistry, but that’s it. I got what I wanted from this trip. It was absolutely fantastic; can’t we leave it at that?”
“Exactly, we were stupid kids, and it was a long time ago,” he said, standing and yanking on his sweatpants. “You won’t even give me a chance to prove to you that I’ve grown up?”
What he was offering was so, so tempting. Everything I’d wanted for so long, and never let myself believe was possible. It would be so easy to sayyes, except I was pretty certain that forever with Ryan didn’t exist in his world.
“Ryan, when was the last time you had an actual girlfriend?” I asked him, crossing my arms over my chest. “And I mean a legitimate, intimate, partnership, where you share things, and care about each other, and consider them before you do anything?”
He sighed, the sound filled with defeat as he dropped back down onto the bed, rubbing his eyes. “You know the answer to that.”
“Exactly. You wouldn’t know how to do this, even if you wanted to. And I’m not up for being your guinea pig.” I just couldn’t put myself in that position with him, when I wanted so much more than just late night booty calls. “Let’s just leave this on a good note. Yesterday was one of the best Christmases that I’ve ever had here in the cabin. We had a wonderful time. We stopped fighting. I’ll cherish it forever.”
There was a tense moment of silence, then Ryan sighed and nodded. “Ok, you’re right. Our agreement is over and done with, and we’re just back to being reluctant sort of siblings from here on out.”
I grimaced at that thought, but didn’t push it. “Great. Let’s get this place back into order, and get out of this frozen hellscape.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Ryan
In the months after my parents had died, I’d perfected the art of ‘going through the motions’. I’d gone to class, to football practice, to parties. I did homework, and fed myself, and did my laundry. But through all of it, I was numb. Disconnected. That’s what it felt like as I walked around the cabin after my conversation with April.
I packed up my stuff, cleaned the kitchen, and shoveled the walkway out front so we could get to our vehicles, but I was a million miles away. Even when we discovered that the power was finally back on, I couldn’t muster more than a weak, “that’s nice”.
I’d really put myself out there with April, and she’d shot me down. Even though a part of me understood her reasoning, I had no idea that her rejection could hurt so much. It felt like she had kicked me in the gut. The most frustrating part was that I was almost certain that she felt some of what I did last night. And again, this morning. That kind of connection couldn’t be one-sided. I had no doubt she had feelings for me, too, but was afraid to admit it, or give me a second chance.
No one understood being scared of love, or emotions of any kind, more than I did. I’d been hiding from it for a decade, sure that it was the safest way to live. I hadn’t experienced any more loss, which was good, but I hadn’t been living much either.
I’d felt more alive in these few days with April than I had in entire years outside these walls. Avoiding meaningful relationships hadn’t done much for me, or my life, as it turned out. I had been standing still in most ways, and she had made me want to take a step forward with a woman, for the first time ever.
Still, I understood April’s point. I didn’t like it, but I got it. Not only had I already broken her heart once, but I also had no idea how to be a boyfriend, let alone anything more serious. I’d never really dated, or committed to anyone. And, although I knew what I felt for April was significant, it could change, or go away at any moment.
I was a huge risk in her eyes, and I didn’t entirely disagree with her. Once I was home, and back in my old pattens, who knows what might happen. And, given the way we were forced together for life, a romantic relationship had the potential to be messy. Painful, even. More than likely, us continuing on would have ended badly.
The rest of the morning I worked at convincing myself that it was all for the best.
#
The cabin was back in nearly pristine condition a little over an hour later. All that was left was to take the tree down and toss it outside. I’d been putting it off, though. Cutting it down, decorating it, and exchanging gifts with April were some of my favorite memories of all time. Getting rid of the tree felt too final. Like it would mean none of it had ever happened. But we had to do it.
April came into the living room and caught me staring at the tree. I wondered if she felt any of the same attachment to it. If she did, she didn’t let on.
“I’ll go grab the box for the ornaments,” was all she said.
Before she could turn to leave, a banging sound outside made us both jump. The front door burst open a second later.
“Ryan, April! You’re still alive!” Jeremy yelled as he barreled inside and hugged us both enthusiastically. “I was sure that I’d be identifying bodies today.”
As he laughed at his own joke, April and I eyed each other, wearing twin expressions of shock at seeing her brother there.
