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CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
April
My heart was pounding so hard that I could barely think. Ryan was still watching me, his expression intense. Something huge had just happened. Something unprecedented. Or at least, I thought it had. Maybe. Possibly. I was so, so confused. I couldn’t seem to look away from Ryan, or do much of anything else.
“Ok, that was as fun as I had hoped. I think I’m going to go find my guy though.” Erin said brightly, finally breaking the tension between me and Ryan. She waved a goodbye and flounced away, like she hadn’t just completely blown up my life.
I looked at her retreating back blankly, still reeling from the revelations of the last few minutes. I would probably need a week to be able to process everything that had happened in the last hour.
“Yeah, I’m going to go call Elle, since it’s almost midnight.” Jeremy added, disappearing after Erin into the crowded room without waiting for a response. Typical.
“Sure, run away, jerks.” I muttered.
My face still burned, and my hands were shaky. It felt like I suddenly had the flu. That would have been preferable, actually. Taking a deep breath, I lifted my head and braved a look at Ryan once more. He was staring at the table, messing around with his glass, not looking my way.
My mind swirled with questions. I wondered if he was regretting how he had responded to that last prompt. I wondered if he even knew what taking his shot had implied. Or if he had guessed how I would take it, anyway. My thoughts were a fuzzy wreck, and I was so overwhelmed and confused that I didn’t know what to say to him. Unfortunately, in addition to making thinking complex thoughts difficult, the multiple shots had also removed any filter I had left, and one random thought snuck right out.
“A week? You couldn’t even make it a week? How did Jeremy even find out?” I exclaimed.
I wasn’t an idiot, based on his sudden appearance at the bar and that absurd little game, Jeremy obviously knew something that he shouldn’t. Something he couldn’t possibly know, given our agreement on the subject. And yet…he did. Everyone thought women were the gossips. I couldn’t believe that Ryan had already told my brother about us, especially after using him as an excuse for putting off my advances for so long.
“I know, dammit, I’m sorry, April.” Ryan breathed, finally looking my way. “I didn’t mean to tell him. Honestly. We started drinking early today, and I guess I’ve been acting off since I got home. Jeremy could tell that something was wrong, and considering when it started, he had a good guess about the cause. When he asked, point blank, if anything happened between us, I just…couldn’t lie to him. He’s my best friend. Practically a brother.” He gave me pathetic puppy eyes, clearly hoping for forgiveness.
“Great, well he’sactuallymy brother,” I said, doing nothing to hide my annoyance. “I’m stuck with him for life, and nowIhave to deal with him.” It was easier to be mad at Ryan for blabbing than to try to figure out what to do with his other potential admission. It felt much safer. Less scary.
“No, it’s fine, you saw him. Jeremy’s cool with it, he promised. He doesn’t mind if we, you know, date, or whatever,” He said, hesitantly.
“Well, maybe I mind! Did you even think of that before you told him everything? I told you what I thought about that up at the cabin.” I argued.
Ryan was acting like this was a done deal. Like it was the only reason we weren’t currently together. My opinion apparently didn’t matter. He’d gone old-school, gotten my brother’s permission, and now he could throw me onto the back of his horse so we could ride off into the sunset.
Presumptuous ass.
“Of course, I did. I’m not assuming anything. I just meant that he didn’t careifanything else ever happened. I—” His words were drowned out by a deafening cheer coinciding with the five-minute countdown clock that had just appeared on the TV screens around the room. He let out a frustrated grunt and scooted closer to be heard. “Can we go outside and talk?”
“Right now?” I responded, stupidly.
Not that I cared all that much about the whole midnight thing, but the shots were really starting to hit me, and I wasn’t sure that it was the best time for our talk. I still didn’t trust myself alone with Ryan. On the other hand, being outside in the cooler air was tempting. The crush of bodies and heat were making me cranky. Nothing I said to him was going to be good under the present circumstances.
Ryan waited patiently, until I nodded my head, and awkwardly stood up. He immediately grabbed my arm to steady me, and kept his hand on my lower back as we walked, guiding me out. I couldn’t help noticing how boyfriend-y he was already acting. And with my mostly bare back, his hand there felt extra intimate. It reminded me of all the other places his hands had recently been, which wasn’t helpful if I wanted to stand firm on my decision.
We made it outside in under a minute, and I looked for Jeremy first. He was nowhere to be seen. Either he had gone somewhere else to call his girlfriend, or he was gone already, and we’d missed him. There were a handful of people way down the street, but we were mostly alone on the sidewalk. The music and chatter from the bar were filtering out through the open door, but otherwise it was silent. Everyone was settled in for the big moment, apparently.
I stopped walking arbitrarily as we reached the corner, and leaned against the building. The cool air was helping to clear my head, at least. I felt slightly sane again. I tucked my hands under my armpits, regretting the skimpy wardrobe choice, and looked up at Ryan ready to get it all over with.
“So. You wanted to talk.Talk,” I told him.
Ryan shuffled a step closer. “I did. I just wanted you to know—”
“Did you mean it?” I blurted, cutting him off. “That last shot. That you’ve…been in love?”
He blinked at the interruption, but then he grinned, oh so slowly, and took another step closer. Just two inches separated us now. Too close.
“If you’d let me finish you would have found out.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, and he laughed. “I think we’ve had enough games between us. Just say what you need to say,” I practically growled. I was tired, tipsy, and somehow hot and cold at the same time.
His hand grazed my hip, and he tugged me closer. I wanted to snuggle into his body heat, but barely resisted the urge. I knew that we were attracted to each other. That wasn’t the problem between us. It was all the other, emotional stuff. And distance was essential to remembering that. Ryan didn’t seem to have the same concern though. He leaned in and kissed my forehead, just barely.
