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Chapter Twenty-Nine
Cosima
“Cosima. May I speak with you?”
Ryker’s voice was so deep she wasn’t sure she’d heard him at first, but there he was, standing in the doorway to the room she thought of as “their” room—hers and Daddy’s and Papa’s. Where they slept together every night and where they played and fucked sometimes. But it wasn’t Daddy or Papa at the door now, come to check on her, see if she was still reading in the nest she’d made of pillows and blankets at the head of the bed. No, it was Ryker. He always looked so serious. Especially when he looked at her. She always felt like he was angry at her or disappointed.
It had been a few days since she’d woken up to Daddy and Papa and Ryker fighting and there had definitely been tension in the air even though Daddy and Papa insisted everything was fine and she shouldn’t worry. Well, she was worried.
And since Ryker never spoke with her unless absolutely necessary, she figured this was necessary. She didn’t think he’d ask her to leave to her face. Maybe it was that she’d let Stella out of his office this morning?
“Did I mess something up? I’m sorry. I just heard Stella meowing and opened the door. I didn’t mean to—”
He shook his head, his dark hair brushing his collar. It wasn’t his fault of course but Cosima couldn’t help but be jealous his hair was longer than hers. Hers had gotten longer already but it was in a super awkward stage even Halli couldn’t fix and she couldn’t find a way that she liked how it looked. Not as a grown-up anyway. She liked how the spiky little pigtails Papa put in her hair made her feel.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Um, okay.”
Then she was at a loss as to what he wanted to speak to her about. He never talked to her unless absolutely necessary so it had to be something important. If it wasn’t Stella, what was it?
“May I come in and sit down?”
Her face flamed because where had all her manners gone?
“Oh, yeah, of course. I’m sorry. I’m a little…”
She waved her hands in the air and felt even sillier.
Ryker sat at the edge of the bed like the floor was lava but the mattress was frozen tundra. No good options and he was clearly uncomfortable.
“Hudson and Ian informed me that you’ve been upset about our relationship. Yours and mine, I mean. That you were distraught about having not played together.”
“I—” If she thought her face had been hot before, it was sizzling with humiliation now. “You don’t have to play with me if you don’t want to. I would never ask you to. That wouldn’t be fair and it’s totally against the rules. And I’m kind of mad at Daddy and Papa for telling you. I just… I know how close the three of you are. Or have been. And I feel like I’m messing all that up and I thought maybe if you and I played that you could think of me that way and then I could stay here with all of you. But I know you don’t like me so I—”
“What makes you think I don’t like you?”
She blinked at him, looked into those steel grey eyes. How could he ask? Had he ever done anything to make her think hedidlike her? But if he wanted a laundry list of the reasons she was sure he detested her, she could give it to him.
“You don’t talk to me. You leave a room if I come in. You never go on walks or come on field trips with us. You hardly even look at me. You and Daddy and Papa were fighting about me the other night, I know you were.”
It was hard to tell under his dark beard, but she thought he might’ve clenched his jaw. Maybe it was best that he hadn’t talked to her before now. Ryker was terrifying.
Cosima knew he wouldn’t be violent with her or yell—Daddy and Papa would never be friends with someone who would do that, but he was so brooding and dark and grim. Like no matter how much sunshine and rainbows and sprinkles and puppies you threw at him, Ryker would just suck them up like a black hole and never even crack a smile. Which was why it was surprising when he said, “I guess that’s fair. It’s a logical conclusion to draw from my behavior. But you should know…”
He looked down at his hands which were set on his knees and she realized his knuckles were white. When he blinked his gaze back to hers, he looked as though he was in terrible pain. And for what?
“You should know, Cosima, that I like you very much.”
It would’ve surprised her less if Ryker had turned into a lizard and started tap-dancing. Okay, maybe not quite but it was close.
“What? No, you don’t. You—”
He held up a hand and she snapped her mouth shut. Stared as he ran a hand through his hair.
“Please. This is difficult and if you could give me a couple of minutes I can explain. I would understand if you don’t want to give me the time of day after the way I’ve acted toward you, but if you don’t want to take pity on me then perhaps you would do it for…”
Ryker hesitated then, scrubbed his hands over his face before setting them back on his knees. He looked like he was tied up in knots, struggling to get out, but the harder he struggled the tighter the bonds got and he was going to suffocate. As if to confirm her speculation, he tugged at his collar like it was strangling him.
