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“Is it? It’s pretty standard. And…correct me if I’m wrong…but I do remember a certain conversation on a golf course when I told you that this was the potential outcome. Did you think I was making it up?”
“I knew it was a potential outcome.”
“So, you just thought—what? The board would just eat up your love story like a bunch of women reading romance novels? Come on.”
“There’s no need for your fucking sarcasm.”
“There’s no need for your fucking language,” he retorts.
“Screw you, Tuck. I’m in here so that I can break myself of this habit before it truly begins to form, but I don’t need you questioning everything I’ve done over the past several months. I’ve already answered to someone, taken my punishment. I’ve been asked a thousand and one of these questions…I’m not doing it again.” I am so over talking about my choice to have a relationship with a patient.
“Will, I didn’t know…I didn’t know that you had started drinking again at all. Your entry forms and in yesterday’s session you stated that you’d been drinking socially for months. You knew that was a slippery slope. And I asked you, more than once. You lied to me.”
I was lying to everyone, including myself. What makes you so special? “I wasn’t out of control.”
“That’s not the point. After we got you through it the first time, I thought you were done.”
“I wasn’t drinking nearly as aggressively as I was then.”
“You said you started earlier this year…”
“Yep.”
“Right around the time you started seeing Charley and her husband.”
“Ex-Husband,” I growl.
“Fine, Will. Ex-husband. You had to know that was going to get out of hand. You were starting to have feelings for a woman while you were counseling her and the man she was married to. That could cause anyone to have a breakdown. I’m not blaming you. I just don’t know why you didn’t come to me. We could have worked through it.”
“It was just here and there.”
“Once you’ve established a history of problems with alcohol you know there is no ‘just here and there’.”
I’m quiet, letting the words I already know wash over me. “You want to know why I didn’t come see you in the beginning? Because you’d know! And I couldn’t face you.” I rub my hand over my head as I feel the headache forming more aggressively by the minute. “I didn’t know things were going to escalate between us…” I say recalling the first time I reached for alcohol all those months ago. “I thought it was hard not being able to have Charley at all.” I shake my head. “But I was wrong. It was worse, having her but not whenever I wanted.”
“It sounds like Charley—and I don’t blame her—but it sounds like she was your catalyst for beginning to drink again.”
My eyes shoot to his, knowing where he’s going with this conclusion and I shake my head. “I want to speak to her…today.”
“And it’s my strong recommendation, that you don’t.”
He’d gone on to tell me that she’d already called once that morning and that they would be letting her know that I wouldn’t be allowed to accept any of her calls. I close my eyes hoping that she can hear my thoughts apologizing to her for this situation. I slow my feet as I finish another lap to find Tuck still in the same spot.
“I would never tell a patient that they couldn’t have their support system.”
“Even if that support system is what caused them to drink in the first place?”
“Oh my God!” I yell out. “What the hell is your problem when it comes to Charley anyway? What do you have against her?”
“Why don’t we go inside and—”
“No, I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me why you’re hellbent on keeping me from Charley.”
He sighs and pulls his coat tighter around him as he comes through the gate to stand with me on the track. “Will, I’m not the enemy here. But talking to Charley right now is not particularly good for you.”
My eyes widen having heard the person that used to know me better than anyone speak such a ludicrous statement. “You’re crazy.”
“Let’s walk.” He nods to the track and I reluctantly begin to walk in time with him somewhat curious how he came to this bullshit conclusion. “Tell me about the first time you had a drink. What happened?”
