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I narrow my eyes as I shake my head. “I don’t really remember.”
“Yes, you do.”
True. I do know.
“That night I slept with the girl that looked like her. I told you about it when we played golf? I’d gone out with Drew…met some girl at a bar. God, she looked just like Charley.” I rub my forehead trying to remember her exact features but it’s no use as the only brunette woman ingrained in my memory currently has my child growing inside of her. “I can’t even remember what she actually looked like, but I remember almost doing a double take when I saw her. I couldn’t even stop myself from getting hard thinking it was really Charley. She must have felt me staring at her because she looked at me. I realized it wasn’t Charley and looked away, but it didn’t stop her from coming over.”
“I’d been drinking iced tea all night but for some reason, I ordered a scotch next. Maybe because she was drinking and I offered to buy her one, I don’t know. But the more I drank, the more she began to look like Charley. At the end of the night, we were both drunk and…I took her home. I didn’t realize how fucked I was until Charley’s name left my lips when I came. I’d been masturbating like a crazy person thinking about her, but this was different. I was crushed. I wanted her so much and I couldn’t have her.”
“Had you slept with her at this point?”
“No.” I shake my head. “But after that night, I knew that I had taken about a hundred steps back getting intoxicated and fucking a woman that reminded me of a patient. So, I just swept that night under the rug. Pretended it didn’t happen. I tried to get my mind off Charley.”
“Did it work?”
“It worked…until I saw her again,” I admit. “I went out again with my brother and met another woman. Same thing. I used her to fill the void of not having Charley.”
“I see. Were you drinking during this time too?”
“Yes, more socially though. I wasn’t getting drunk, and it wasn’t every day. Just to take the edge off and to…feel numb I guess. In the early stages of Charley and I sleeping together it was fine, I’d stopped altogether. I thought that I had everything under control. But then things began to get more real on both ends. I couldn’t see her when I wanted, talk to her when I wanted. I had no control over the situation, and I started to spiral.”
“Did Charley know about any of that?”
“No. I hid it from her until recently.”
“Why did it take you so long to tell her? You would have thought that was something you should have disclosed when you were getting closer. When she was planning to leave her husband. When she actuallylefther husband,” he says, as we begin walking back towards the main facility.
“Why do you think?” I ask him as we head through the glass doors towards one of the rooms for sessions. “I didn’t want her to think less of me.”
“Well, now do you understand why we’re advising that you don’t speak to her while you’re here? There is a correlation between her, your feelings for her…this whole situation, and you drinking again. You were drinking because you wanted something that you couldn’t have…which is always your trigger. With your family. And now with Charley.”
“No. I was…” The words fail me. “I just…”
We make our way through the halls and back into the office we’d been using, and I immediately drop to the couch, not caring that the sweat is still fresh on my skin from my run. I stare off into space, letting Tuck’s words run through my mind on a loop.
“I can’t lose her.” I rub my jaw, feeling the tears form in my eyes. “It’s not the same as with my parents. I don’t question Charley’s love for me. I’m not competing with anyone for Charley’s attention or affection.”
“But,you werecompeting for her. With herhusband.”
“There was never a competition between myself and Wells once we started.”
“Be that as it may, she wasn’t yours. You didn’t have her. She belonged to another man. You couldn’t see her, touch her, or hold her when you wanted. And it made you crazy.”
I rub my palms together trying to calm my nerves as I feel myself begin to get worked up. “Tuck…”
“So, you drank to numb the pain of not being able to be with her. And again, when you couldn’t have her whenever she couldn’t see you. When she couldn’t take your calls…”
“Stop,” I tell him not wanting to hear any more.
“And then when you finally got her, you lose the ability to practice. Will, you’ve been fighting for stability and balance…your entire adult life. When you were a child, you couldn’t figure out why your brother got the attention you craved, which stayed with you for years, and then you meet this woman, and although you understand why she can’t give you the attention and affection you yearn for, it doesn’t stop you from craving it. From wanting Charley…” he trails off.
I pull at my hair wishing that it were enough to wake me up from this nightmare, when I feel as if everything is clear for the first time ever. I look up from the floor, my eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I’m not giving her up…for anything.”
“Then be honest with her. Be fair to her. It’s good that you’ve talked to her about your past now so that you can be stronger for your future. For her and for the family that you’re building with her.”
“A part of me is afraid she’ll leave me,” I say finally, feeling all of my insecurities coming to a head.
“What makes you fear that?”
