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“We said when the time was right. Maybe in a year or two years or whenever. Dominic, you’re freaking out.”
“You think, Stassi? I was your principal! Your mother’s husband! Your stepfather!”
“Stop yelling at me, Dominic. Have you lost your mind? Who are you right now?”He’s never taken this tone with me since the dynamic of our relationship has changed, and suddenly I feel like I’m fifteen years old and we’re locked into one of our arguments.
“I’m a man that has definitely lost it if he thought he could be with his stepdaughter forever. What kind of fantasy world have I been living in? Did grief just manifest in a different way this time around?” He shakes his head. “Fuck me.” Tears have now started to fall down my cheeks as I know where this is headed and I feel like my heart could pound out of my chest with how hard it’s beating.
“Dominic, we’re in this together. I’m scared too, but it’s not the end of the world. People will just need time. We aren’t telling anyone anything now.”
“No one will accept it.” He snaps as he starts towards the door and I think this is the first time he’s ever walked out while I’ve been speaking.
I follow behind him and down the stairs. “Then they don’t need to be a part of our lives, Dominic.”
“It’s not that simple, Stassi.” His back is to me but I can tell he’s shaking and when I move to stand in front of him, I can see the tears in his eyes.
“Look at yourself, you don’t mean what you’re saying. You’re just scared.”
“No,” he says as firmly as he can, though his voice still shakes with emotion.
“Yes. You’re being a coward.” I point at him. My voice is getting harder as I feel myself shutting down. Dominic and I are supposed to be in this forever, and I certainly can’t be the one who keeps it together when he tries to jump ship. I am not going to convince him to be with me every time he feels guilty for our unconventional relationship.
“Maybe I am, but I can’t stand by and watch as either of us ruin your life.” His voice is getting more even and now he’s almost cold. Aloof. His normally piercing blue eyes are dull and lifeless, like he’s a shell of the man I’ve come to love.
“Who are you?”
“Not a good man, Stassia. No good for you.” He grabs the two suitcases and walks towards the door.
“Wait, you’re like…leaving? Is this a joke?”
“Just until you go to school. I know Kate is gone, but maybe you can have a friend come stay with you, or I can call Pamela.”My grandmother? And what are you going to tell her?
“Are you fucking kidding me? Is there someone else? Just be straight up with me. If you want to go bang some boring forty-year-old soccer mom, be my guest, but come up with a better fucking story than this.”
He shakes his head, lowering it slightly. “There could never be anyone else.” He tells me. “I deserve to be alone, Stassia. I can’t keep hurting everyone I love. I can’t keep losing people. I just need to be by myself, so I don’t have to lose anyone.”
“Where are you even going?” At this point, I’m worried. He’s saying things I’ve never heard him say and he’s mentioned having self-destructive behaviors when Tessa died. “Can you please just let me know you’re safe?”
He nods. “Take care of yourself, Stassi, okay? Promise me.”
“Dominic,” I plead, “please don’t do this. You promisedmeyou’d never leave me. You’d always be here.” I run towards where he’s in the doorway. “You said forever,” I whisper as I look up into his eyes and see the same pain I feel burrowing in my heart. “You’re doing this, but I don’t understand why.”
“Please don’t try to understand, Stassia. Just…let me go.”
“No. Never.” I bite my bottom lip. “You’re my…everything,” I tell him, as I bare my heart to him. “You’re the most important man in my life. You have been for so long and yes the roles have changed over the years but I think that makes us more special, not sick.”
“It’s not special, Stassia. It is sick. We can’t be together.”
“But…I love you.”
“I love you for healing me, but I can’t love you. Not the same way I loved your mother or Tessa.” His words destroy me. They hit me so hard I take a step back and press a hand over my heart. “You…” he’s becoming blurry now as the tears flood my eyes, “you don’t mean that! You said you never felt about anyone the way you feel about me.”
“The lust we felt…it convinced me that what we had between us was love. We have hot sex, Stassi, but…we can’t ruin our lives for that.”
“Wow.” My heart can’t take much more of this abuse so I finally retreat into the house. “Go,” I finally say as I sit down on the steps. “Please just go, you fucking coward. Whatever it is you’re so afraid of, I hope you realize that we could have faced it head on if you just talked to me.” I wipe my tears and press a hand to my heart again to see if I feel any cracks or fissures because it sure feels like my heart has split wide open.
“I’m sorry, Stassia.” He shakes his head as he grabs the door handle. “Please know,” I meet his gaze, and in a brief flash, I can see everything he hasn’t said.There’s more to this. It’s not so black and white.“I’m just so sorry.” He’s gone without another word, leaving me confused, devastated and heartbroken.
I’ve had to pull over twice to puke my guts out; the second time, I actually fall to the dirt on my hands and knees as the pain shooting through me kills my ability to stand. I manage to get back into the car again and place my head on the steering wheel as I take another swig of water and spit it out the open car door. I know I shouldn’t be driving with a war of emotions raging through me, but I’m not sure what I want to do. Part of me wanted to go to Stassia’s grandparents and confess the whole thing, but a part of me is scared of Dwight, her grandfather, and I’m fairly certain that Pamela could put me over her knee and whip me like I was one of her own.
