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I decide to check into a hotel and I shoot Stassi a text.
Me: I’m staying at a hotel in town. I’m safe.
Surprisingly her response is instant.
Stassia: Thank you for texting me and letting me know.
Me:Are you alone?
Stassia: Yes.
Me:I don’t like that you’re staying there by yourself.
Stassia: You gave up the luxury of telling me what you like when you left me sobbing on our floor.
Fuck. I knew I’d gone too far, but I knew I had to say the things that would make her let me go. Anything else I said she’d argue and wear me down. I had to bring up the things I knew she was insecure about so that she’d hate me. If she’s angry, maybe it will hurt her less. Maybe it will be easier for her to move on.
Me:I’m sorry, Stassi.
Stassi: What did I do?
Now that I won’t stand for. I won’t let her think she did anything wrong.
Me:Nothing. This is all me. I’m fucked up.
Stassi: No, you’re not. You’re beautifully broken…but you’re mine.
Me:I can’t be…as much as I would like to be. I just can’t.
Stassi: In another life?
The tears trail down my face as I type out one word before tossing my phone far away so I don’t have to see any more of her incoming messages.
Me:Forever.
The days slowly turn to weeks, and before I know it, it’s been two weeks since I’ve seen or talked to Stassia. We haven’t even texted since that first day and every day that goes by I feel a piece of me floating further and further away. I’d left my entire heart with her, leaving me hollow and empty. I’d given Seth a very watered down version of what happened and made him swear on everything we know that he won’t tell Stassi and he obliged, probably because he believes this is for the best as well even though he knows I’m destroyed.
I’ve heard from Kate periodically, making me wonder if Stassi had broken down and told her. She’s away at MIT but every once in a while I get texts like. “She’s doing good today,” or “She laughed on Skype,” or “Maybe you should call her?” I let every one of her texts go unanswered until the one she sent today.
Kate:Micah showed up at your house.
I’m pressing the button to call her instantly. “What is he doing there?”
“I don’t know,” Kate says. “And hello to you too, by the way.” She lets out a sigh. “Why aren’t you answering my texts?” I don’t say anything because I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t say without totally incriminating myself. “I know, okay? She called and told me. Borderline hysterical.” I still don’t say anything because she’s not being specific enough. “I know you’ve been sleeping together. More importantly, I know she’s in love with you. The question is are you still in love with her?”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“The hell it doesn’t.”
“Kate, there’s shit she doesn’t know…”
“And whose fault is that?” she snaps.
“We are getting off track; Micah is there now?” I jab the heel of my palm in my eye before throwing a hoodie on over my naked torso and pulling sweatpants up my legs. I grab my keys and my wallet and am out the door within minutes.
“Yes, I guess to help her move?”
“I don’t trust that guy, Kate.”
