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“Trust me, your mother wanted it. The whore got around.”
The words destroy me and I’m about to crumble when I see James moving faster than lightning and he has Joe on the ground with his arm twisted behind his back. “I will break your fucking arm off, if you don’t apologize right the fuck now.”
“For what!” he yells. “Fuck you. You came down here bothering me. What did y’all expect?” He looks at me.
“What did I say?” James yells and I’ve never seen this side of him before. He presses his foot on the side of his face and presses hard. “Apologize.”
He lets out a breath. “You’re making a mistake.”
“No you made the fucking mistake talking to her like that. Your daughter.” He twists his arm harder and Joe grunts in pain. “I’m so glad she’s away from you. Away from this.” James snarls. “Take a look at her, because it’s the last time you’ll ever breathe the same air as her. Now, apologize.” He leans down and talks lower though I can still hear him. “I don’t know what the statute of limitations are for rape of a minor in this podunk town but I can assure you the lawyer at our hotel can have the police here before we’re even in the car. All she has to do is say the word.” He nods at me before turning back. “Now apologize.”
“Sorry.” He grits out and my nostrils flare as more tears start to form.
“Gabrielle, go wait in the car,” James tells me without looking at me or letting up on Joe.
“But…”
His eyes moves to me. “Now.”
I look at the guy on the ground, my heart hurting that this is the first and last time I’ll ever see the man that provided half of my DNA. But I can’t even allow myself to be upset because how…HOW?! I make my way down the stairs, the tears falling down my cheeks faster than I can wipe them away. I make it to the car but I crane my neck trying to see the porch. From the angle of the driveway where we are parked, I can’t see much. I notice Joe goes into the house but James is still there. My anxiety rises thinking that Joe could potentially come out with something dangerous so I roll the window down preparing to yell for James to come when Joe returns and hands something to him before slamming the door in his face.
James jogs down the stairs and towards the car before getting in and turning it on without a word. He hands me a shoebox before he backs down the driveway and moves through a few abandoned streets before pulling over. I don’t open it assuming he may want to preface what’s inside.
“I told him to go and find anything of your mother’s. Maybe you don’t want it, but I wanted you to have the option. It’s not fair that you never had any say in this situation and I wanted you to be able to have control over this.” I look down at the box and then back at James who may or may not have risked his life to get this. Something about Joe told me he may not be on great terms with the right side of the law and that he may have come back out with a gun.
“He gave you this?”
“I may have convinced him with the gun I told him I had in my pocket.”
My eyes widen. “You have a gun?”
“Like I was going to come here with you with no way to protect you. I had no idea what I was walking into. I wasn’t prepared to use it, but in case…” He looks straight ahead before rubbing his forehead. “I wouldn’t survive something happening to you Gabrielle and certainly not while you’re with me. Dad told me to protect you by any means necessary.”
I bite my lip thinking about how differently these two men are versus the man half responsible for bringing me into this world.
“She was fourteen, J. Younger than I am now.” My lip trembles as I trace the edges of the box. “She wasn’t old enough to make that kind of decision. I know things happen sometimes… but not at that age.” I sniffle. “What if…he hurt her? Like not just statutory rape but actual rape. Oh my God, James, what if I’m the product of something violent?” It comes out of nowhere, but before I can stop myself I have the door pushed open and I’m throwing up on the pavement outside depositing everything I’ve eaten today all over the ground. I fall out of the car and before my knees can hit the pavement, his arms are around me. He pulls me away from the throw up and holds me in his arms as I begin to cry in his arms rocking me back and forth as I sob into his chest, feeling like I’m releasing sixteen years worth of demons.
“I’m so sorry, Gab,” I hear him whisper. He continues to apologize and tell me how much he and everyone loves me and everything will be okay. He pulls my face away to look at me and wipes the tears from my eyes. “There she is.” He lets out a breath and I can actually see his eyes are a bit glassy as well. “It tears me up to hear you cry like that.”
“Sorry.”
“You of all people have nothing to be sorry about.” He presses his lips to my forehead. I don’t know how long we stay like that on the side of the road, me holding onto him like he’s my lifeline. I’m not sure if I blacked out or cried myself to sleep because the next time I wake up, I’m in the hotel room on my bed. I sit up and I see James passed out on the couch in the corner of the room snoring softly. My dad and him had the room next door but I know James well enough to know he probably wouldn’t let me out of his sight until we were back in Connecticut.
Present Day
It took me a whole year to get over the damage that one ten minute conversation did to me. And I still have moments where those feelings come back in full force. I had periods of depression and self loathing. Moments where I thought I was made out of hate. Moments where I thought the darkness of my conception would swallow me whole. Moments where I wanted to be anyone but me. But in those moments of darkness, James was the light that pulled me out of it.
I hadn’t realized I was crying when I feel James’ hands on my face. “Baby, I’m sorry I took you back to that.” His thumbs find the space beneath my eyes as he wipes away the tears.
I shake my head. “No, well…yeah. But I was thinking about how good you were to me during that. You probably saved my life.”
“Don’t say that.” He pulls me to the bed and sits down so we’re both in the center of it. I want nothing more than to be close to him, so I crawl into his lap and wrap my arms around him, pressing my face into his neck.
“It was a huge deal, James. You being there with me, for me. For everything.” I pull away to look up at him. “Is there any surprise that I’m in love with you?”
He smiles and his eyes trace my face and I wonder if he’s trying to figure out what I’m feeling. “I would do anything for you.”
“I can’t be without you. Without this.” I tell him as I begin to fear that his earlier comment about whether or not this is realistic was him trying to end it. “I know it’s going to be tough, but I’m in. So totally and completely in.”
He rests his head against mine. “I can hear what you’re thinking. I know where your mind is going and I wasn’t suggesting ending this. I just don’t want you to get hurt.” He pulls me tighter against him and I wrap my legs around him as I snuggle further into his chest. “You know that I’ve always been protective of you and your feelings. I just know the second anyone says something to you about us I’m going to be out for their blood.”
“I can handle what anyone says. What I can’t handle is being without you.”
