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“And your brothers?”
“Jake and I were always pretty close.” I rub the back of my neck. “He… I guess he was the one person I used to talk to whenever I had a problem with anything.”
“Used to?”
“I… we… things have been a bit,” I search for the right word. “Different. Strained. I don’t know. After the accident, I kind of didn’t think he’d understand…” My voice trails off. Saying it out loud makes it all feel real.
“Understand what?”
I rub my hands over my face. “I was in the car. I wasn’t able to do anything to help my dad.” My stomach churns. “It… it was my fault we were…” I can’t finish the sentence.
The room is silent, and I can hear the clock ticking away, but I can’t bring myself to look at Eric. To see the pity in his eyes that I’ve seen on everyone else’s face since the accident.
“It was an accident, Oliver,” Eric finally says, his voice quiet. “These are valid feelings to have after such a traumatic experience, but it wasn’t your fault.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek, trying not to let the tears fall. His words should be comforting, but they just make me feel even more guilty for the way I’ve treated my family, Hannah, my friends – everyone who has tried to be there for me.
“How do you feel about sitting down and talking to your Mum, or maybe one of your brothers, if you feel more comfortable? Do you think you might be able to share any of the things we’ve talked about today with them? See if they can help support you in moving forward?” He watches me closely.
I nod. I’m tired of hiding in my own house. It’s exhausting.
“Okay, let’s discuss your anxiety over getting into a car.”
I run my hands through my hair, pushing it back off my face. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about the nightmares. It’s too soon.
“When I saw you after the accident, we spoke about the possibility of some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, which is totally normal in situations such as this.” He offers me a kind smile. “It’s important to take things slow. How close have you gotten to getting in a car?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t.” Even the thought of it makes me start to sweat.
“Maybe you could try sitting in a parked car? Asking someone you trust to do it with you could help ease the anxiety. What do you think?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. It terrifies the shit out of me, but I can’t avoid travelling in cars forever. Most of our football games are within biking distance, but there are five games this season where I will have to get in a car. Not to mention all the finals are played in Geelong, over forty minutes away.
“Yeah,” I finally mutter. “I can try that.”
“That’s a great first step.” He smiles at me again. “I’d like to follow up with you on this, Oliver. See how you went and perhaps talk some more. Does that sound good to you?”
Does it?
I close my eyes. I have to admit, while there are things I’m not ready to talk about with a stranger yet, I do feel a little better after talking to Eric. Baby steps.
“Can I think about it?”
“Of course. I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
21
The end of March signals the halfway point of term as well as the next big milestone in my life: my eighteenth birthday. In the eyes of the law I’m finally an adult. I can get my probationary licence, go to a club, buy alcohol, and vote. But the one thing I can’t do is celebrate with my best friend. Oliver and I haven’t spoken since he dismissed my feelings and chose to take Sarah’s word over mine. I tried to call him on Thursday night to invite him over for my birthday, but he didn’t answer, and he never called me back. Not even a text message.
This makes Ashley furious.
“I don’t understand why you won’t just let me say something to him,” she protests as we walk home from school on Friday night, the day before my birthday.
I decided not to have the massive birthday party I’d been planning, much to Ashley and my parent’s dismay. What’s the point? I’m really not in the mood to celebrate. Instead, I invite Ashley to sleep over so we can binge horror movies and stuff ourselves full of popcorn and chocolate.
I sigh. “He’s not going to listen. He’s made up his mind. Just leave it.”
She purses her lips but doesn’t push it. It’s my birthday after all, she knows I don’t want to spend it thinking about him and Sarah and whatever they’re probably getting up to this weekend.
