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Pulling her hand out of mine, she moves back over to her bed to sit down. I hesitate before following her. She doesn’t flinch this time, but she does shift slightly, so our bodies aren’t touching.
“The thing with Sarah…” I rub the back of my neck. “When I saw you at JD’s party, I… you looked so… I was trying to get you out of my head and then she was the first person I…”Crap, this sounds bad, even to me.Shaking my head, I reach for her hand again, but she pulls it away. I stare at her for a moment, and then I just let the words rush out of me. “I like you, and the whole time I was with her I couldn’t stop wishing it was you.”
Hannah scoffs. “Do you hear yourself right now? You were thinking about me while you were with someone else? I don’t even know who you are anymore, Oli. You ignored what I had to say. You’re dating the girl who’s been bullying me for the last six months. You missed my eighteenth birthday to go to a party with that person. You got beaten to a pulp by her boyfriend, and now you rock up to my house professing your feelings for me? Do you not hear how messed up that is?”
I clear my throat. “When you say it like that–”
“What other way is there to say it?”
I shrug and hang my head. “I guess I wasn’t really thinking when I came over here, but I just wanted you to know how I feel. You’ve been my best friend for so long. You know me inside and out, Han. You were there for me even when I wasn’t letting anyone in. Losing my dad…” I wince. Speaking about this is not getting any easier. “I realised how much I needed you in my life, and it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to lose you. That’s why I did everything I did – why I pushed you away. But I can’t do it anymore. It hurt so bad not having you in my life. While the thought of losing you again kills me, I need you to know everything. Hannah, I realised tonight that I love–”
She puts her hand out to stop me. “Don’t Oli. Don’t say it.” She’s not angry; she’s more resigned. “We’ve barely spoken this last two months, and when we have spoken, we’ve ended up arguing.”
“But–”
She shakes her head. “If we’re going to try and fix our… whatever this is,” she waves her hand back and forth between the two of us. “You need to respect my space. You can’t just blurt out that you love me after we haven’t spoken in weeks. Especially after you’ve come straight from being with Sarah. I don’t believe it.”
Her words are like a knife straight into my heart, but she’s right. I don’t know why I thought I could just come here and drop my feelings on her like this.
I run a hand through my hair roughly and clear my throat. “I’m sorry.”
“That seems to be your standard response to everything at the moment.”
Ouch.
Hannah sighs. “I know it’s cliché, Oli, but actions speak louder than words. If you want me to trust you again, you’re going to have to work for it, and you’re going to have to give me time. You really hurt me.” She moves over to the window. “I think you should go.”
Stopping in front of her, I wrap my hand around her waist and pull her towards me. She resists at first, but her body finally relaxes against me.
“I promise I will make it up to you,” I murmur into her hair. “You’re the most important person in my life.”
I kiss the top of her head before releasing her and climbing out the window. I turn back for one last look.
“Happy birthday, Hannah.”
24
Idon’t get much sleep that night. I toss and turn after Oliver leaves. He seriously hurt me these last couple months, and I don’t know how I’m going to get past it. Now he’s trying to tell me it’s because he has feelings for me; that he had feelings for me all along. Talk about screwing with someone’s emotions. I deserve better than that. But I can’t deny how my heart responds every time he’s near.Argh!And the journal he gave me was really thoughtful. He knows how important my writing is to me. I reach over and switch on my lamp, scooching up to a sitting position. I run my hand over the blue leather cover and over my name -Hannah Jane Robinson- embossed on the front cover.
Opening the journal, I suck in a deep breath as I take in Oliver’s messy scrawl on the first page. My heart clenches I read the quote by William Faulkner: “Get it down. Take chances. It may be bad, but that’s the only way you can do anything really good.”It’s followed by a message that blurs as I blink back tears.Write from the heart, because your words matter. I believe in you. Love, Oli.
Oh. My. God. This boy that I’ve known for my whole life just keeps surprising the hell out of me. I swallow down the large lump in my throat, replace the journal back on my bedside table, and switch off my lamp. I can’t deal with this right now. I pull my pillow over my face. By the time the sun comes up I’m no closer to figuring it all out.
I’m sitting at my desk alternating between staring at Oliver’s gift and editing an article on teen drinking written by one of my year eleven writers for the magazine, when Mum calls out to me. Making my way out to the living room, my traitorous stomach starts performing backflips when I see Oliver sitting on the couch. Dressed in his footy shorts and his training top, his face is clear of blood, but his nose is still slightly swollen and there’s purple bruising under his eyes. Mum raises her eyes at me as she leaves the room.
“What’re you doing here?” I ask, leaning against the door frame.
“I got sent home from training.” Oliver studies my face, but I remain tight lipped, giving nothing away. “It’s not the first time.” He sighs. “Or the second.”
“So, what’re you doinghere?” I repeat.
“Mum’s home. I don’t want to worry her any more than she already is. I… I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Seriously?” I cross my arms and level him with a stare. “You can’t just come here like nothing’s happened. That’s not how this works. That’s not giving me space.” I check behind me to make sure my parents and Brad aren’t listening nearby before adding, “Especially after climbing through my bedroom window drunk and bloodied last night.” Sucking in a deep breath, I look him square in the eye. “I’m not even sure we’re friends anymore.”
Pain flashes in Oliver’s eyes and I get a fleeting sense of satisfaction from it, but then it’s gone, and I feel like throwing up. He glances down at the ground before standing up and making his way over to where I’m standing. I try to ignore the way my heart speeds up.
“Will you at least come for a walk with me?” Oliver reaches for my hand and I freeze. “So we can talk properly? I don’t know what I can do to make you forgive me, but you mean so much to me, I’ll do whatever it takes.”
