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“This is so messed up,” JD mutters, rubbing the back of his neck.
I make a grunting noise in agreement.
After Father Geoffrey welcomes everyone to the memorial, Joel’s cousin stands up and walks up to the front of the room followed by his two sisters. His eyes don’t lift from the reading. His voice shakes, and I watch heavyhearted as tears stream down his youngest sister’s cheeks. His other sister bites her lip, staring at the ground as she squeezes her brother’s hand. The room begins to spin, and I drop my head into my hands, taking slow, deep breaths. People are sniffing back their tears around me. JD squirms in his seat. This is all too much, but I’m trapped. There’s no way I can leave now without creating a disturbance in the room, and that’s the last thing I want. Or need.
Hannah rubs my back, and I lift my head. I can be strong for her. My eyes roam across the room to Sarah, my stomach turning in somersaults as if a whole gymnastics team has taken residence inside. Her shoulders shake and Caley has her arm wrapped around her shoulders. Tiana offers her a tissue and she wipes her nose, brushing away her tears with the back of her hand. Sarah and Joel had dated for eighteen months–until she set her sights on me earlier this year. She’s an only child. She loves it that way. There’s no one to compete for attention with. Whatever she wants, she gets. I guess that kinda makes sense with the way she acted. She wanted me, so she went for it, damn the consequences for everyone else.
Movement ahead of Sarah catches my eye, and Joel’s older brothers support each other as they make their way up to the lectern to make their eulogies. Aiden and Ethan were in Jake’s year at school. They played in the basketball rep team together in year eleven.
Aiden speaks fondly of their baby brother who used to drive them crazy as a kid. Following them around, he was jealous of them being twins and wanted to do everything they were doing.
“Joel was always coming up with these hairbrained schemes he’d talk us into doing and then we’d be the ones that got in trouble with Mum and Dad ‘cause we were the eldest.” He grins through his tears. “That’s just the kinda guy Joel was.”
Ethan steps forward and exhales, the speaker echoing the sound around the room. Hannah lets out a small sob and I pull her closer to me, kissing the side of her head.
Ethan clears his throat. “Joel was…” He chokes up, and Aiden places his hand on his shoulder in solidarity. “Joel was a great guy. He wasn’t just our brother; he was our best friend. He looked up to us and he absolutely doted on Kiara.” A loud sob comes from the front of the church, and Joel’s little sister buries her head into her mother’s arms.
This is hitting too close to home. I think about how close I came to rock bottom when the doc told me I probably couldn’t play footy anymore.What if I had of taken this path? What if that had been Sam and Jake up there? Or Hannah?I close my eyes and try to push the images of my family, my girlfriend, grieving me in Joel’s place.
Ethan’s still speaking, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand. “Our biggest regret,” he looks at his brother, who nods. “Our biggest regret is we didn’t try to push him to talk to us about what was going on.” He pauses, fighting to keep control of his emotions.
Aiden steps forward again. “If anyone takes anything away from this, please make sure you check on your brothers, on your sisters, on your mates. Let them know you’re there to listen. No judgement.”
Ethan’s sobs echo through the church and everyone sits there wallowing in their own grief. Maybe they’re wondering–like I am–what part they played in what happened, or how they could’ve helped Joel?
As Joel’s brother’s return to their seat and embrace their parents, the sounds of Finneas’I Lost a Friendfills the room, and a slide show of photos flash across the large screens at the front. Photos of Joel at different ages. Photos of him with his brothers–kicking the footy around, wrestling, building forts and playing video games. There’s a video of the three of them doing backflips into a swimming pool; laughing and full of life. There are photos of Joel with his parents and family photos from Christmases, birthdays and holidays.
A photo of Sarah and Joel laughing at the beach with him swinging her over his shoulder appears on the screen, and I shake my head.It was my fault they broke up.The final photo is of Joel in his Bridgeport footy gear, standing on their football oval, a ball in his hand and a big grin on his face. He looks so damn happy. If only I hadn’t been so stupid and messed up about my feelings for Hannah, I wouldn’t have gotten caught up in Sarah’s drama. Joel might still be here. I might still be able to play professional footy.
Father Geoffrey says his final words, andDemonsby Imagine Dragons plays. Joel’s dad, brothers, and a few other men–I assume family members–make their way to the front of the church to stand next to the coffin. Tears stream down their faces as they roll the coffin down the aisle. Joel’s mum and sister are surrounded by family as they follow behind. I keep my gaze firmly on the ground as they pass by us.
“What do we do now?” JD whispers after the majority of the church has cleared out.
I look down at Hannah’s tear-stained face as I shrug. I’m drained. I just want to go home and crawl into bed.
“Are you ready to go?” I squeeze her leg, and she nods, biting her lip. She wipes at her eyes before standing up and offering me her hand. The tension in my body relaxes as I lace my fingers with hers.
43
When Macca drops Hannah and me back at my place, Jake and Kenzie are in the kitchen making homemade pizzas. Jake is covered in flour as he rolls out the dough for the homemade pizzas. Kenzie is sitting across from him chatting away, but she stops when she sees us standing in the doorway.
“Are you guys okay?” she asks.
I shrug, leading Hannah over to the stool next to her.
“I’m exhausted,” Hannah says, dropping onto the chair and resting her chin on her hands. Her stomach chooses that moment to let out a loud rumble, and her cheeks go red as her arms move to wrap around her middle. “But I could also eat.”
Jake nods his head in the direction of my bedroom. “Why don’t you guys go chill out and I’ll call you when it’s ready.”
I shake my head as I shove a handful of grated cheese into my mouth. “Nah, it’s okay. We’ll help. Did Mum get to the city alright?”
Sam’s getting ready to do a presentation tomorrow night for a big engineering project he’s been working on, and Mum was heading to Melbourne after work to support him. She’d been worried about leaving after Joel’s funeral, but I assured her I would be fine. And I am–I think.
“Yeah, she called about half an hour ago. Said to make sure there were no parties here this weekend.” My brother winks at me. “Or at least to make sure we clean up afterwards.”
“No parties!” Kenzie swats him, rolling her eyes as he pokes her in the side with a goofy grin. It’s good to see my brother happy. “Lucky I’m here to make sure you two don’t get into trouble.”
“I’m with Kenzie,” I say. “I’m definitely not in a party mood at the moment.”
