AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I groan and bang my head against his chest. “I’m going to have to try and pick up some more shifts at the bookstore. And you’re going to have to get a job. We’re going to need as much money as we can save.” I glance up at him. “Are you sure this is a great idea? We only have five months until Christmas. With school and work, we’re not going to have time for much else. We won’t have much time for each other.”
“No, we won’t.” Oliver agrees. “But we’ll make it work. It’ll all be worth it next year when we’re eating pizza in New York, crepes in Paris, and pasta in Rome.” He grins. “Short term pain for long term gain.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re an idiot.” I laugh, smacking his chest.
He pokes me in the side. “Yeah, but I’m your idiot.”
“Why do I put up with you?” I shake my head with a laugh, grabbing his hand before he can start tickling me.
“’Cause you love me?” He gives me puppy dog eyes.
I snort. “If you’re lucky.”
“Hey!” He shoves me playfully.
“Kidding.” I hear my parents in the kitchen and grab his hand. “Come on. Let’s go tell Mum and Dad our plans.”
45
When I leave Hannah’s after dinner, I still feel like I have unfinished business. Instead of turning towards home, I walk for half an hour, stopping outside the wrought iron gates of the cemetery. I take a deep breath and make my way to my dad’s grave, pushing down the guilt that I haven’t been to visit him since the funeral.
I swallow the lump in my throat, running my hand over the cool stone. “Hey Dad,” I grunt out. I cough, clearing my throat. “I’m… uh, I’m sorry I haven’t been… I mean, oh jeez.”
I shake my head. This is harder than I thought it would be. It’s not like talking to my dad when he was here. I feel stupid.
I rub my hands over my face and try again. “I’m sorry Dad. I made a mess of things after you were gone. I pushed Hannah away. I used Sarah. I ruined my AFL career. I let you down.” I sniff. “That’s not the worst of it though. Remember Joel West? The kid from the Bears that I played rep with. He killed himself. And it was all my fault.”
I stare at the ground, letting the words linger in the air.
“He laid a late tackle on me. Broke my collarbone and gave me a concussion. The docs said it was one concussion too many.” I brush angrily at the tears that roll down my cheeks. “He tried to apologise, and I shoved it back in his face. The next day he was dead. It was all my fault.”
Sitting down on the cold ground in front of my dad’s grave, I pull my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “It’s been one mistake after another since we lost you. But I’m trying to make it better. I’m trying to make up for everything I did. I guess I’m starting to learn that tomorrow’s not really a given. We’re not all guaranteed to be here.”
My stomach churns, and I blow out a big puff of air before continuing. “It could’ve been me, Dad. When I found out I couldn’t play footy anymore, I… I thought my life was over. I felt like I lost everything, and… and I… I…” I drop my head onto my knees.How do I admit to my dad that I thought about doing what Joel did? That I thought about ending my own life?“Jeez, Dad. It could’ve been me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I jump at the sound of Jake’s voice behind me. “What are you doing here?” I don’t turn around. I can’t face him after what he just heard me admit to.
“Goddamn it, Oli. I come visit Dad every Wednesday after basketball. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Shit.
He lets out an exasperated noise. “What do you think that would’ve done to Mum, huh? To me and Sam? Jeez, Oli, what would it have done to Hannah?”
“I didn’t…” I swallow. “I wouldn’t have done it.”
“Death doesn’t solve anything, and it doesn’t hurt you, Oli. It hurts everyone around you who’s left to pick up the pieces. Trying to figure out how to live a life without you in it. Didn’t you learn any of that when we lost Dad?” There’s no anger in Jake’s voice. Just sadness. He sits down next to me.
“I miss him so much.” I bury my head in my hands.
“Yeah,” Jake says. “I do, too. But seriously, why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrug.
“Do you…” He swallows, unable to look me in the eye. “Do you still feel like that?”
“What?” I stare at Jake. “No. I… no!”
