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“I’m not defensive. I’m just tired of you thinking I’m going to make the same mistakes you did. Newsflash, Mom, I’m not you. And thank God for that.” It’s out of my mouth before I can stop it.
My mother draws back like I’ve physically wounded her, and guilt flares deep in my gut.
“You know what, Clarke, I understand why you judge me so harshly for what I did. Because I do, too. Every day when I look in the mirror… I still don’t fully understand how I could have done what I did. But I loved him. I still love him. I know it wasn’t real, at least not for him. But for me, it was. At least then. Looking back now, it feels like I was living someone else’s life, like I was someone else entirely. And in a lot of ways, I guess I was. But what you don’t realize, is that before I met Bronson, before I let myself be sucked into his world,Iwas just likeyou.I didn’t set out to ruin my marriage or hurt you and your father. But when I looked at Bronson, he was all I saw. It was like he had blinded me from everything and everyone that I loved and etched himself so deep that even now, I still feel traces of him that have lingered behind.”
My insides tense at her words, because in some weird way I know exactly what she’s talking about. Because I feel it with Treyton. I feel him leaving his mark on me already.
She turns, dropping the magazine onto the table, letting out a slow sigh as she turns back toward me.
“Do you hate me so much that you can’t see, it’s not that I’m worried you’re turning into me, it’s that I’m terrified what will be left of you when he shatters you into a million pieces? You’re my child. I never want you to hurt the way I did.”
“I won’t.”
“You will,” she disagrees.
“He’s my friend. And I’m a grown woman, I owe you no explanation.”
“I’m not asking for an explanation. I’m asking for you to listen to me. I’m asking you to open your eyes before it’s too late. That man, Clarke…” She shakes her head. “This will not end well.”
“Maybe not. But at least I can say I lived my life without being drowned by the mistakes ofyourpast.”
“You say that now. But just wait. When this blows up in your face, I’ll be the first person you call.”
“I won’t.” I square my shoulders.
“You will,” She promises, gathering her purse and hat from the table.
My eyes follow her as she wordlessly moves toward the door.
I want to call after her, to apologize, but something stops me.
Maybe it’s that I’m done letting her tell me what I can and cannot do when clearly she wasn’t that great at making her own decisions. So what qualifies her to make mine?
Or maybe it’s that deep down I know she’s right and I’m too proud to admit it.
Or maybe,just maybe, I think this time she might actually be wrong. I know it’s premature to say. I know next to nothing about Treyton. But when he looks at me, I don’t know… It feels somehow different.
I’m not naïve enough to believe that something could actually come of this. But I feel like I’m strong enough to find out for myself and not go in with this preconceived notion that all celebrities are bad people.
I’ve been pretty awful to Treyton the past few days, doubting his every move, yet he’s still coming around, still asking me to hang out, still wanting to be around me. That has to say something, right?
“Mom,” I finally force out as she pulls open the door.
She steps into the hallway before turning back to face me.
“I can take care of myself. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“You’re right, I don’thaveto, but that doesn’t mean I won’t. It’s what mothers do.” She shrugs. “I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Me too,” I murmur softly under my breath as she turns and walks away.
Closing the door, I’m torn between fighting off tears and bursting into a victory dance. This is the first time I’ve ever,really, stood up to my mother and it feels both terrible and fantastic.
For the first time in my life, I’m going to do what I want and not what other’s think I should. It’s my life, after all, and it’s about time I start living it the way I want.
I jump slightly when a knock sounds against the door I’ve been leaning against since closing it moments ago.
I should have known my mom wouldn’t let it go that easy.
