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“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” I’m on Sebastian’s heels seconds after he steps out on the sidewalk.
“Just leave it, Tess.”
“Leave it? You show up here announced after three years, lay all that on me back there, and then you just walk away?” I grab his arm, forcing him to stop and look at me.
“Tess,” he warns, eyes anywhere but on me.
“Tell me what you want, Sebastian,” I plead.
“You!” he screams. “Fuck, Tess, I just want you.”
“But only the way you want me, right?” I bite back. “It’s been three years, Sebastian. Three years,” I stress. “You can’t just show up here and demand that everything go back to the way it was. Life doesn’t work that way.” I soften my voice. “Did it ever occur to you that I miss you just as much as you miss me? That this has been just as hard for me? That I too always look for you first when anything happens? I still love you, Sebastian. I’ve never stopped. Not for one single second. But things are different now.”
“Because of him?” he drags out.
“Because of me.” I look down at where my hand is still on his arm, having not realized I hadn’t pulled it back once he stopped.
I stare at our point of connection, my hand tingling all the way up my arm like an electric current that runs through him and into me. When I meet his gaze again I know he feels it too, and that makes what I’m about to say a million times harder.
“If you were moving to New York it would be a discussion I’d be willing to have. I’m not saying one way or the other, but I wouldn’t rule it out entirely. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. But you’re not moving to New York, Sebastian. You’re going home, to California. And even though you might be willing to walk away from it out of desperation and fear of losing me, we’re still in the same place we’ve always been. One of us not willing to let the other give up what they really want. I won’t be the reason why you turn down a job I’m sure doesn’t come around every day or the reason you stay in New York when all you’ve wanted for years was to go back to California.”
“But it’s just a state, and it’s just a job. There are other places I can live, and there will be other jobs, Tess. But there’s no other you.” When he reaches out and cups my cheek, I swear every single emotion I’ve kept bottled inside comes rushing to the surface.
Love.
Anger.
Fear.
Pain.
They all bleed together in the most overwhelming concoction, and I can’t seem to swallow them back down no matter how hard I try.
“I love you, Tess,” he whispers, his other hand sliding around to the small of my back as he guides me toward him, pulling me flush against his chest.
I give myself one minute. That’s it. Just one minute to breathe in his scent, to remember what it was to be held by him, to listen to his heart beating against my ear. Just one minute and then I know I have to muster the courage to say no.
I don’t want to, though.
I wish I could say Bennett makes it easier, that knowing I have him makes the choice bearable, but it simply does not. Because Sebastian and Bennett are divided in my heart and in my mind; neither play into the decisions I make about the other because they are loved by two sides of me that will never touch. The part of my heart that beats only for Sebastian and then the other half that finally believes it’s possible to love another, maybe not in the same way but no less just the same.
When I finally pull back, managing to put a few inches between us, tears are forming at the corners of my eyes. I blink rapidly hoping I can fight them down, but one look up at Sebastian and they topple over. I can feel my heart breaking all over again—the pain almost too much to bear—and a sense of panic washes over me.
I don’t want him to leave.
I don’t want to wait another month or year or longer to look at his face and feel what I feel looking at him now.
I don’t want this to the end.
And yet, at the same time, I know it would never work.
I know he can read it all over my face, but it doesn’t make the words any less difficult to force out.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
When he blinks tears pool in his eyes, but not a single one falls.
“Go to California, Sebastian. Take your incredible job offer, and go home. Find happiness. Find love. Find peace. I want all of those things for you.” And while I mean every word, the thought of him loving someone that isn’t me is damn near crippling.
