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My heartbeat is the only thing I can hear. The constant thudding against my ribcage echoing through my ears, making everything sound distorted and far away.
I don’t know how it happened. One minute Bennett is down on one knee, the next my head is nodding yes. I don’t think I even processed what he was asking before just reacting the way I thought I should have, given that every single set of eyes were on us.
Did I really just say yes?
My stomach twists violently and suddenly every single thing in my stomach threatens to come back up.
I quickly look for an escape, my eyes darting toward the house; only the house never comes into view. Instead, they land on the last person that I would want to witness what is currently taking place in the middle of the backyard.
The minute his hazel eyes find mine—the shock and anger so evident—it steals my breath. My legs wobble, and I nearly lose my footing.
I want to go to him but before I can move even a muscle, Bennett is pulling me into his arms, and applause breaks through the static in my ears.
What the hell is happening right now?
I feel so disoriented I can’t seem to process a single moment of it. I’m in my mom’s arms next, followed by Bree who squeezes me excitedly. The second she releases me I immediately turn back to where Sebastian was just moments ago, only this time he’s nowhere to be found.
Did I just imagine he was there?
It isn’t until I catch sight of Courtney’s face that the reality seems to catch back up to me. She looks torn between crying and vomiting which sends off warning bells in my head.
Bennett steps up next to me, dropping his arm around my shoulder making me feel weighted to the ground. I keep my gaze focused on Courtney, learning everything I need to know just by the expression on her face.
Suddenly I feel like I’m on verge of suffocating. I can’t pull enough air in, and tears prick the back of my eyes.
Knowing I need to hold it together, at least for a little while, I fight down the panic I feel clawing its way up my throat and force the best smile I can muster.
***
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach only intensifies over the next hour. Courtney doesn’t say a word about Sebastian, and neither do I. I know with complete certainty that she had a hand in his being here, I just don’t know why yet.
And then there’s my mom. While I know she really likes Bennett and she seems genuinely happy about this entire ordeal, I can sense something is off with her and yet I can’t pinpoint what.
With her eyes constantly on me, as well as Bree’s and Courtney’s, it’s like they’re just waiting for me to breakdown, like they know it’s coming. I feel scrutinized and on display, and yet a part of me feels like maybe it’s just all in my head. My mind twisting reality to match the guilt and uncertainty in my heart.
The same question I keep going back to over and over is if Bennett had asked me when it was just the two of us, would I have said yes? The fact that I can’t answer that with complete certainty is nagging at me, and I can’t seem to swallow it down no matter how hard I try. And the one thought that plagues me over and over again is becoming harder to ignore.
I have to get out of here.
With each moment that passes, I feel more on edge, more tense, more emotional. I feel like I’m seconds away from splitting apart at the very seams which hold me together.
“I’m gonna run to the bathroom,” I finally say to Bennett, who has yet to leave my side since the whole proposal fiasco. “I’ll be right back.” I force yet another smile before ducking out from underneath his arm.
Before anyone can say anything, I take off into the house. I stumble through the kitchen, my feet feeling like they’ve been weighted by heavy cinder blocks. Each step feels harder to take than the last, but I still manage to propel myself further.
The next thing I know I’m through the front door and out onto the front porch, leaning forward with my hands gripping my knees as I struggle to suck in air. I’ve never had a true, full blown panic attack before, but I have very little doubt that this is exactly what is happening right now.
My senses feel under attack, my lungs unable to pull in enough air, my heart beating so erratically I feel on the verge of a heart attack; the smell of copper strong in my nose and the taste of it heavy on my tongue.
When I look up to see someone sitting on the curb directly in front of the house, I know instantly that it’s Sebastian. I can tell by the width of his broad shoulders and the sun-kissed blond hair that blows in the light breeze.
The panic starts to recede the instant I realize he’s still here, and while the thought is unsettling as to why that might be, I can’t pretend it’s not true. Without thinking I find myself walking toward him. One small step and then another until I’m standing just a foot behind him, watching his shoulders rise and fall with each breath he takes, his knees pulled up and arms draped over them.
“I thought you left.” My voice sounds small, weak, and I hate every second of it.
“I’ve been sitting out here waiting for you, but I gave up that you were coming out about twenty minutes ago,” he responds, his tone flat, eyes fixed straight ahead; not seeming the least bit surprised by my appearance. He lets out a slow exhale and then adds, “I’m waiting for my cab to get here to take me to the airport. Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your way shortly.”
“You’re leaving?”
