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I was prepared for a lot of things but when he turns to face me, I realize I couldn’t have been less prepared for what I’m now looking at.
He looks like he’s aged ten years in the past three days. His hazel eyes are dark and there are deep circles underneath. He looks as bad as I feel. Oddly, that makes me feel a little better. It means he’s been just as miserable without me as I’ve been without him. For the first time since Saturday night, I feel a renewed sense of hope.
But that hope quickly comes crashing down around me.
“You shouldn’t be here, Tess.” There’s an edge to his voice I didn’t expect, and instantly my heart rate picks up speed kicking against my ribs like I’m in the middle of a marathon.
“What do you mean?” I blurt, hoping maybe I’m misreading the situation.
“I mean, you’re not supposed to be here—as in with me,” he says, turning his back to me as he fishes some books out of his locker. “Your mom was pretty clear.”
“I don’t give a shit what my mom says.” I grab his arm, trying to force him back around. “Sebastian. Look at me.”
“I’m sorry, Tess. I can’t do this,” he says, his back still to me.
“What?” I swear my heart stops beating altogether, a tingling sensation spreading down my face as everything starts to go numb.
“Your mom was right. I put you in danger. I could’ve killed you.” He finally looks at me, and the distance I see in his eyes tells me he’s already made up his mind. “This was good while it lasted, but I think it’s time we face the reality here. This was never going to work out long term. I think it’s easier all around if we just cut ties now and move on.”
“But you promised me.” I feel like the ground is going to open up and swallow me whole at any moment. “You promised we’d make it work. You promised.”
“I shouldn’t have promised something I knew I couldn’t keep.”
“You liar.” My voice echoes down the hallway drawing the attention of several classmates as they pass by. Normally I hate causing a scene, but right now I really couldn’t care less. “You’re pushing me away because of what happened Saturday, but you don’t have to. I love you, Sebastian. I know you would never intentionally put me in harm’s way. Things just got out of hand, okay?” The desperation in my voice only portrays a small fraction of the panic I feel creeping into every pore.
“I’m sorry, Tess.” He refuses to meet my gaze as he turns.
“Sebastian, please don’t do this. Please.” Tears pour from my eyes as I reach for him ,but he only shakes me off.
“I’m so sorry.” His voice is so low I almost don’t catch it and by the time I do, he’s already walking away.
I’m not sure how long I stand there, my mind in disbelief, my body trembling in shock.This can’t be happening, it’s all I can think. I close my eyes willing myself to wake up.
Just wake up!
When I open my eyes and find myself staring down the same hallway which is now void of students, everything seems to hit me at once. Without thought, I turn and take off full speed through the hallway.
When I reach the exit, I don’t stop. I push on, my feet pounding the pavement as I just run faster and harder than I’ve ever run before.
I don’t know at what point my legs finally give out. All I know is one minute I’m moving and the next I’m lying flat on my back in my front yard, looking up into the bright cloudless sky.
My chest heaves up and down as I try to catch my breath. I feel like I’m suffocating. No matter how much air I pull in it never feels like enough.
It’s not lost on me that this is a feeling I’m likely going to have to get used to.
Sebastian is my world, my air. I can’t breathe without him. I can’t survive without him. I can’t imagine a world without his smile, his touch, the way he sounds when he tells me he loves me.
The thought of never hearing that again has me rolling to the side, letting go of the small amount of juice I managed to keep down this morning. I choke and gag, feeling like I might die at any moment.
Collapsing back onto my back, I feel like the sky closing down around me, trapping me in a world I no longer want to be a part of.
I close my eyes—seeing his face, his eyes, his smile. But even those are quickly replaced by what I saw today. The sadness, the pain, the wall that was so clearly placed between us when nothing used to exist in that space.
Every painful moment of the last five days seems to leak over into all the happy ones—tainting them, changing them, ripping my happiness away piece by piece until all that remains is a hollow feeling in my chest and an aching loss in the pit of my stomach.
