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Six months later…
“Can you believe Mr. Jordan expects us to write a thousand-word essay over Christmas break? What the hell is wrong with that man?” Courtney complains as we make our way through the parking lot.
“What do you expect? He’s notorious for giving out the worst assignments at the worst possible times. Are you really all that surprised?” I shake my head, stopping next to my car which is parked directly next to Courtney’s.
It isn’t much, a beat-up Jeep Wrangler that’s nearly as old as I am. I worked full-time all summer to buy it, and even though I told myself it was because I liked Jeep’s, deep down I know I picked it because it reminds me of Sebastian.
I named my old rusty girl Sara Beth. SB—get it? Sara Beth. Sebastian Baxter. Same initials. Even my Jeep is named after him, though I tried to disguise it by making it a girl Jeep. I really am pathetic.
The hard knot that forms in the pit of my stomach anytime I think of Sebastian rears its ugly head. It’s the same feeling I get every time I think of him, which happens to be a lot considering it’s been months since I’ve seen or spoken to him.
“Hello, earth to Tess.” I look up to find Courtney looking at me with confusion.
“What?” I question, trying to refocus.
“What was it this time?” She crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me expectantly.
“What was what?” I play stupid even though I know it will do me no good. I give her a few seconds to really drive the point home that she can see right through me before finally answering honestly. “I was just thinking about Sara Beth,” I say, resting my hand on the driver’s side door.
“Oh, you mean the Jeep you named after Sebastian?” She gives me a pointed look, daring me to dispute it. When I don’t, she quickly adds, “Ice cream at Luna’s?”
Courtney is one of those who thinks ice cream solves everything. After she and Anthony broke up in July we practically lived at Luna’s, an old ice cream parlor in town, for weeks. We still go there quite often. Too often really.
“It’s like twenty degrees out here, and you want ice cream?” I chuckle, opening my driver’s side door to throw my bag inside.
“When do I not want ice cream?” she asks sarcastically, tapping her foot on the concrete.
“Fine. One scoop.” I cave, knowing at least this way I won’t have to go home and sit in the deafening silence like I do every other night.
“Meet ya there.” She squeals before quickly disappearing into her car.
Laughing, I shake my head and then climb into my Jeep. Turning the ignition, I’m met with the same familiar grumble I hear every time I start Sara Beth. I swear it sounds like she’s cursing me for not just letting her rest.
Okay, so I’ll admit I have this weird relationship with my Jeep. It’s probably not the healthiest thing in the world but whatever. It beats spending my days in therapy which I tried shortly after Sebastian left for Louisiana. It didn’t take me long to realize that therapy just wasn’t for me. Plus, had I kept it up I probably would’ve ended up bankrupting my mother which is never a good thing.
I follow Courtney through the school parking lot and out onto the street, laughing when she attempts to make faces at me in her rearview mirror, half of her face cut off from my vantage point.
Courtney has been my saving grace, the one who has kept me from completely losing my mind over the past few months.
Sebastian leaving was hard enough, but then having to turn around and say goodbye to Bree and baby Jackson just weeks later made his absence even harder to deal with. Bree kept me busy, and I was able to throw all my focus into helping her prepare for the baby and the move. But once they were gone there was this eerie silence, an emptiness I just couldn’t shake.
It all happened too quickly. One moment everything was one way, the next it all changed. Baby Jackson was born, and I was forced to say goodbye yet again. And not just to Bree but to her son, who I grew extremely attached to in the week before they left.
She was a natural with him out of the gate, just like I knew she’d be. Bree has always acted with her heart, searching for the love she was denied growing up. I think she needed Jackson more than she realized. He gives her something to sink that love into. Someone she can love unconditionally who will love her the same in return.
I don’t hear from her as often as I’d like, but I know she’s extremely busy with school and raising her son. The last time we spoke Jackson was on the cusp of crawling, though I’d say it will be a couple months before he actually nails it down. Because we always Facetime, I was able to see him in action—his little butt up in the air as he rocked back and forth on all fours.
He’ll probably have mastered crawling and be walking by the time I talk to her next. It’s scary how fast things are happening now. I have to remind myself sometimes to just slow down and look around me. Before I know it all of this will be gone.
I pull up next to Courtney in a street side parking spot and kill the engine to my Jeep. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, pushing down the sadness that seems to cling to me like a bad stench I can’t seem to wash away.
Giving myself one last pep talk, I quickly exit the Jeep and join my best friend on the sidewalk. She may be able to see through the happy exterior I’m clearly faking, but she doesn’t make a habit of calling me out on it.
I think she realizes that my smile acts as my armor, something I put on to protect myself, but it’s also the very substance that holds me together. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to get through most days. Even with it sometimes I’m not so sure.
And no matter how many times I try to secure the pieces in place, they always have a way of slipping when I least expect it. That’s when thoughts of Sebastian creep in, the moments when I give in and let myself mourn the love I lost—love that still haunts me every single day.
Every corner I turn, every street I travel, every hall I walk—I see him everywhere. His eyes, his smile, his touch—these are all things that are embedded in my brain, tattooed on my skin, and etched into my heart.
