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“Well, then I’m happy for you,” I force the words out, wishing like hell I could make them sound more believable.
Don’t get me wrong, I want Sebastian to be happy, I really do. But the thought of him being happy without me feels like a betrayal I just can’t quite stomach at the moment. Because try as I may, happiness is something that is simply out of my reach.
Sadly, I think I’ve accepted that I’ll never be the carefree girl I once was. The one who gave away her heart to a boy like it had always belonged to him anyway. No smile will ever be as genuine as the one Sebastian always brought to my face. No one will ever make my heart beat like he does. No one will ever make me feel the way he makes me feel just by looking at me, which is exactly how I’m feeling right now.
“I should probably let you get inside.” He switches his weight from one foot to the next.
There’s something there—a flash of something dark behind his light eyes—
but before I can make out exactly what it means it’s gone, making me question if I’m just looking for things that aren’t actually there.
Truth is I want to know he’s just as miserable as me. I want to know that right now he feels like he can’t breathe—that walking away from me feels like the most impossible task and he simply can’t do it—because that’s exactly how I feel.
Unfortunately, I get none of that from him, not that I actually expected to.
“Yeah, you probably need to get that…” I gesture to the takeout bags in his hand, realizing I have no idea where he’s heading with it. He could very well be on his way to a girl’s house. The thought is nearly impossible to even entertain. “Wherever it’s going,” I add, heat flushing my cheeks.
He gives me a small smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes and then quickly steps past me without another word, and just like the moment I saw him standing in front of me, all the air is sucked from my body and I feel like I’m on the verge of suffocating.
An overwhelming panic starts to creep in and before I know what I’m doing, I spin around.
“Sebastian.”
I don’t even realize I’ve said his name until he’s turning back toward me, his jaw hard and eyes full of so many different emotions it nearly drops me to my knees. I hesitate for only a second, but it’s enough time for Sebastian to shut it down before I can say anything more.
“Bye, Tess.” He gives me a curt nod, not allowing me to finish the thought before he’s walking again.
I don’t know what would have come out of my mouth next had he given me the opportunity to say anything anyway, but it’s like a slap across the face just the same. I stumble back from the force of it.
Disappointment settles over me like a heavy blanket, and I let the weight of it hold me in place instead of going after Sebastian like I want to.
When he left me the first time, he told me it wasn’t forever. He told me that it was just for right now and that one day we would find our way back to each other. With each day that has passed, my doubt over his sincerity has grown, but I refused to chalk it up to something he just said to make saying goodbye easier; because deep down, I’ve been holding onto hope that that wasn’t the case.
Now that hope is crashing down at my feet, and I know I’m seconds away from losing it. I can feel it bubbling in my chest, constricting my throat, burning the back of my eyes. I struggle to suck in a breath, but I can’t fill my lungs enough to get any relief.
It really is over.
I don’t know why it’s taken me until this very moment to finally wrap my head around it. Haven’t I known it all along? Did I really believe that things would work out for us someday?
“Tess.” The first of my tears spill over the moment I hear Courtney’s voice. I turn just in time to enter her arms. “It’s okay,” she reassures me, securing me tightly against her. “You’re okay,” she chants over and over again until I feel the weight slowly start to recede and the fog begins to lift.
I don’t know if it’s one minute or ten before I take a deep breath and pull back to look at my best friend’s face. She smiles sympathetically and uses the pads of her thumbs to wipe away the reminisce of tears from my cheeks.
“I’m okay,” I say, letting out a slow, shaky breath.
I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince her or myself, but it feels good to say it out loud either way—like I’m telling myself that I don’t have a choice. Ihaveto be okay because there is no other option.
“I know. I know you are.” She cups my face.
“He’s taken so much from me already. I won’t let him have this, too,” I say, sniffing. It’s easier to embrace the anger than let myself drown in the sadness.
“That’s my girl.” Courtney smiles. “You wanna head in or do you need a few minutes? I can buy you some time.”
“No. No, I’m good.” I take another deep breath in and blow it out. “How’s my makeup?” I ask, wiping under my eyes.
“You’re probably the only person who can cry crocodile tears and manage not to completely ruin their makeup in the process.” She chuckles. “You look perfect.”
“Thank god for waterproof mascara.” I fan my face, trying to dry my eyes.
“Come on.” Court grins, linking her arm with mine. “Ricky is looking mighty fine tonight. Might just be what you need to forget about what’s his face,” she jokes, leading me into the restaurant.
