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It’s been fourteen months since the last time I saw Sebastian. So much has happened between now and then that I barely even recognize my life anymore.
I spent my last summer with Courtney, enjoying the last remaining weeks of our childhood before we were separated for the first time since we were in grade school. Saying goodbye to her proved to be one of the hardest things I had ever done. But it wasn’t the hardest. That spot was and is still reserved for the one person who never strays far from my thoughts or my heart.
I wish I could tell you that Sebastian and I moved heaven and earth and found a way to be together, but that’s simply not the case. Life is not a fairy-tale or some over the top romance novel where everything is some grand declaration of love. Life is real and painful, and sometimes love doesn’t actually conquer all. And I’ve found a way to be okay with that.
He got moved into the starting quarterback position at the start of his sophomore year, and I’ve made a point to watch as many games as I can. In a way, it’s almost like I’m torturing myself, but at the same time, I can’tnotwatch. It gives me comfort to see him living his dream. It somehow makes it all feel worth it.
I miss him, I think a part of me will always miss him. But my life has changed so much sometimes it’s hard to even remember the girl I used to be—or recognize the woman I’ve become for that matter.
It didn’t take me long to settle at Columbia. From the moment I arrived, I felt closer to my dad than I ever had before. But being in the city also made me feel closer to Sebastian. I often find myself walking the streets, reliving the words he said to me when he brought me here years ago. I can still hear his voice like he’s saying it now.
“I wanted to be the one to bring you for the first time that way the city will always hold a piece of us in it, something you can keep with you when we’re not together.”
I don’t think he truly understood the magnitude of that gesture at the time, but it doesn’t change the fact that his words still ring true every single day.
Freshman year went by in a blur. I finally picked a major after going undecided for the first two semesters, deciding to pursue a degree in finance. It’s certainly not the choice with the most flash, but I wanted something practical, something I knew would be worth the effort and money when it was all said and done. Besides, I might also have a slight obsession with numbers so it seemed like the perfect fit.
I still talk to Courtney every couple of weeks. She’s adjusting well to Alabama, having the time of her life or so it would seem. It’s funny how different our experiences have been thus far, kind of a lot like high school.
She’s out partying and hooking up with hot frat guys, really living up the entire college experience. Meanwhile, I spend very little time outside of the classroom, library, or my dorm room, preferring to lose myself in my studies rather than in a bottle of liquor.
It’s not lost on me how very different we are, and yet how we’ve always just made sense. Like we balance each other perfectly. I’m the voice of reason, the one who talks Courtney out of the things she already knows she shouldn’t do but probably would anyway. And Courtney is good at getting me out of my head and making me experience things I probably would never try without her encouragement.
I miss that in my life, her constantly in my ear pushing me out of my comfort zone. I’m sure some mornings when she wakes up with a wicked hangover in a guy’s bed she has no recollection of sleeping with, she probably misses me, too.
I’ve managed to make a few friends over the last year but none have come close to what Courtney, Bree, and I have. Even with thousands of miles separating us we still have each other to lean on, and I’m confident that no matter where life takes us, we will always be there for one and another.
I don’t talk to Bree quite as often as I do Courtney, but we still manage to squeeze in a Facetime session every few weeks. She’ll tell me about all the cute things Jackson is doing now, and I’ll tell her about my classes and anything new that’s going on.
California looks good on her, as does motherhood.
She managed to graduate from high school on time and is now taking night classes and working part time during the day waitressing. I’m so proud of her for facing this head on and coming out on the other end a better stronger person.
Everyone has moved on to bigger and better things. Sometimes it’s almost hard to wrap my head around how much everything has changed.
And that couldn’t be more apparent than right at this moment, pulling into a town that now almost feels foreign to me.
I roll my window down, taking a deep breath of the air as it whips around me. Being back in Rockfield is like watching an old movie. I remember every road, every shop and sign, but I also pick up on things I never noticed before. Maybe it’s because it’s been so long or maybe it’s because I was too focused on something else to really appreciate the little things that seemed to just blur into the background.
Like the smell of trees and fresh cut flowers, the sounds of nature, the peacefulness that comes with a sense of belonging. I don’t know that I ever appreciated this place enough when I lived here, but now living in the city with the hustle and bustle of everyday life, a place like Rockfield is a breath of fresh air and a very welcome one at that.
I told my mom I wouldn’t be in until tomorrow, so I’m not surprised when I arrive at her house to find her car gone. I know she’s at work and probably won’t be home until morning. Me being here when she arrives I’m sure will be a welcome surprise.
I don’t get nearly enough time to visit and am ashamed to admit that even though I am just an hour away, this is the first time I’ve been home since Christmas. Considering it’s now June, that’s saying something.
Don’t get me wrong, I miss my mom something fierce, but being here without Courtney and Bree—without Sebastian—I don’t know, it just feels wrong somehow. Like I’m an outsider now looking in.
I let myself inside the house and carry my suitcase to my old bedroom. Because I’ve opted to take some summer courses I only have two weeks off, only one of which I plan to spend here.
I was only able to get a few days off from work and while I know my mom was hoping for more time, a part of me is glad this is all I can give her. I mean, of course, I’d rather be here spending time with my mom than making coffees for people who don’t even have the decency to look up from their phones when placing their orders, but being here brings too much to the surface. There are too many feelings and memories tied to this place. The less time I’m here, the better.
The instant I push my way inside my small ten by ten childhood bedroom I’m hit with a wave of nostalgia.
Of course, my mom hasn’t touched it since I left, wanting to keep it exactly the same so when I come home on break I have my old room to come back to.
Looking around the small space, I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly, my eyes stopping on a picture still hanging from the mirror on my dresser. I know every single detail of the picture, but it doesn’t stop me from dropping my suitcase on the bed, crossing the room and pulling it down, holding it gently between my fingers.
God, I remember that day so vividly. The picture is of Courtney, Ant, Sebastian, and me. We’re all clad in swimsuits standing next to the lake behind Sebastian’s house, wide smiles on all of our faces. Every set of eyes is looking directly at Bree who was operating the camera, except for one person whose eyes are trained directly on me like they always seemed to be.
